Resources: Part 2 - Your Relationships

Resources: Part 2 – Relationships

Have you ever noticed that every relationship you have gives you an opportunity to experience a very different side of yourself? For example: The pieces of my personality that I get to experience in my most intimate relationship, like the part of me that is sensual and vulnerable, aren’t appropriate parts of my own persona to explore within my workplace. (Obviously.) By the same token, I don’t get to experience myself as an expert in giving subcutaneous injections, as part of my trusted relationship with patients, outside of my healthcare workplace (a fact for which all of my social friends are grateful). And sometimes, it feels as if a relationship only exists to give me an opportunity to practice my patience (like my relationship with the BMV clerk). Ultimately, I need all of these relationships in order to truly experience the whole of who I am: a combination of diverse strengths, skills and emotions. When we are missing opportunities to experience our best selves, or pieces of our best selves, we feel a void.

Because my relationships are so varied in nature, the resources I’ve used to strengthen my relationships have had to be equally varied. Improving basic, technical skills associated with your job can inspire the trust of your clients. Outside of that, however, is a vast world of information, new ideas, and reminders for how to communicate and relate to yourself and others in a way that strengthens your relationship bonds. Below is a list of some of the sources I use regularly, along with others that have made a definite impact on how I treat people, and how I allow myself to be treated.

1. My Favorite Website:  http://www.ted.com/: TED is an organization that finds “Ideas Worth Spreading.” The site contains videos from TED conferences, where some of the greatest thinkers of our time have presented ideas and concepts related to things as technical as nuclear energy and as basic as saying, “Thank you.”  http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/laura_trice_suggests_we_all_say_thank_you.html, and  http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/benjamin_zander_on_music_and_passion.html.

2. Blogs I Follow: Guidance, Growth and Grace, by MaryAnne Banich, which explores our relationship with ourselves and the world around us, at http://blog.guidancegrowthandgrace.com/.

And Monte King’s blog, “Just a Thought,” which is often focused on our relationships with others and the Divine, at http://web.me.com/monteking/Monte_King_Counseling/Blog/Blog.html.

3. Books I Recommend: John C. Maxwell with Jim Dornan, Becoming a Person of Influence, which is a brilliant text about interacting positively with others. And Mutant Message Down Under, by Marlo Morgan, which is a striking, true story (and quick read) about our individual relationship with the world and humankind. Also, The Holy Bible. Let’s face it: nothing describes the best and worst parts of any relationship better than The Bible.

There must be thousands of books written every year that address relationships in some form or another. I’ve read a lot of them and will continue to do so, but these three are the ones from which I continue to gain insight. I have found that I cannot apply every suggestion at once, so I choose the things I can change, immediately, to make the most positive impact on my relationships with others, then I re-read these books from time to time to get something else I can use. I hope you find these resources as helpful, or at least intriguing, as I have. Enjoy your Relationships!   

Resources: Part 1 - Career

Finding Your Strengths

It hardly seems possible that Thanksgiving is this week! I really feel like it should still be September. What I know about Thanksgiving is that, as the holiday season comes upon us, time will only move faster. The time between now and the end of the year is going to fly past me, in a flurry of “get ready for’s” and “enjoy the moments.” Because of the speed at which 2012 is rocketing toward us, I thought it might be fun to spend the next few weeks offering you some of the most impactful and valuable resources I have found for finding joy regardless of circumstance. I will be sharing my current favorite resources in our seven major life areas: Career, Relationship, Home, Health, Finance, Spirituality and Community, in the hope that you will enter 2012 well-armed with some support you may not have had in the past. My desire is that these resources will help you, as they have helped me, remain connected to your joy throughout the year.  

This week, I am starting with Career. I want to share with you a book by Tom Rath, called “Strengths Finder 2.0.” Tom discusses that we have been a culture that focuses largely on “well-rounded” knowledge bases and behavior, but that, in focusing our efforts in that way, we miss the benefits of our individual differences. One of the reasons, for example, that we may remain frustrated in our jobs or focused on our negative outcomes instead of celebrating our achievements, is because we think we should be “Straight A’s” across the board. If, in contrast, we would concentrate more on perfecting our own specialties, we could experience more fulfillment (doing what we love in an area wherein we excel) and be more valuable (becoming true experts in our own specialties).

While the concept of capitalizing on my strengths makes perfect sense to me, I’m not certain, anymore, what my true strengths are. It seems I have spent years trying to improve my areas of weakness. However, in order to envision my best-ever life in the interest of Living in Joy, then I need to know what the best experience of myself and my unique talents would entail. This is where Tom Rath enters. His book, “Strengths Finder 2.0” is an exploration, as the title suggests, of you and your strengths.  

I encourage you to go to www.strengthsfinder.com, read his concept, and take the quiz. As it turns out, of the 34 different strengths, my top five are: Positivity, Input, Futuristic, Empathy, and Achievement. Well… of course.  The best part of Strengths Finder is that Mr. Rath doesn’t just leave you with that. He actually provides action plans for your particular strengths, so that you can get the most out of the things that come naturally to you. Now, I can see how to work within those 5 strengths to create a career focus (inside of my current job title) that is completely fulfilling to me, while also meeting corporate goals. I can also see clearly where I need to ask for help or delegate, rather than struggling to learn more, do more, or work harder to make-up for my own deficits.

Whether 2012 is going to bring you a career change or you are just looking for a way to experience that deep pulse of joy throughout your current career workday, discovering your own strengths could be a great place to begin to make a shift in your area of focus. Here’s to the best career experience you can imagine! Please post your own strengths here, if you feel like it. You never know who might be reading and need exactly the strength you possess. Enjoy your career!

Thanksgiving Recipes

Does anyone out there read “Bon Appetit” magazine? It’s one of my favorites! It has articles on setting-up the perfect kitchen, new gadgets, grilling techniques, and, of course, recipes. When I got my November issue, I was not surprised to see a turkey on the front cover. Naturally, in this season of giving thanks, this premier food magazine has to investigate the greatest food celebration of the year: the Thanksgiving Dinner. I couldn’t be more delighted!

I should mention that, over the years that I’ve been getting this magazine, I rarely try the recipes. Generally, recipes for things like Cumin-Scented Quinoa and Black Rice stray a bit too far from my mid-western food sensibilities. I like imagining the people who do cook these recipes, though, and I think they must be very cosmopolitan, probably in high-rise condos with grand views of the city, beautiful, Jenn-Air equipped kitchens with chefs knives, and pots of every size at their fingertips. I can just see them stopping at little Asian markets and Italian delis on their way home from their very exciting jobs, to get the ingredients for these “Bon Appetit” concoctions. And I’m a little enamored by the idea.

This month, I knew I'd flip through the pages of my magazine and find new, improved ways to twist my old favorites, though I probably wouldn't try any of them. Tandori-Spiced Roast Turkey, Crawfish Gravy, and Wild Rice, Fruit and Pecan Stuffing were just some of the recipes featured near the back of the magazine. What surprised me, though, was the first half of the issue, which is always where the “how-to’s” and best kitchen advice are shared. This month, they addressed how to make the perfect mashed potatoes and gravy.

When I started reading, I have to admit that I was thinking, “Ok. Good! How can I improve my methods and make this year’s mashed potatoes the fluffiest and creamiest, ever?” Cut peeled potatoes into 2” pieces. Cover in cold water. Gently simmer. Mash. Add cream. Add salt. (Tyme, basil and rosemary: optional). Add butter. As for the gravy? Start with a rue of butter and flour. Add stock.

What?! My mother’s time-honored traditions, what I think of as “plain-old cooking,” in print? In a fancy, fussy, food magazine, and accompanied by some of the most delectable photos of all time! It made me smile. And I was proud to know that I had been taught the best possible way to make mashed potatoes and gravy, at least according to the very picky editors of “Bon Appetite.” I wondered if there would be people in the city, in their high rise condos, reading these recipes and imagining me, this time… cooking in my none-too-well-decorated kitchen, on my electric stove, with my one wooden spoon and my two worn and dulled paring knives, after having stopped at the Kroger for my sack of potatoes. And I imagined they would be just a little enamored of my simple traditions and plain-old, home-style cooking.

I guess it’s just one more lesson in being grateful for what I have. So, this Thanksgiving, I’m going to make a point to look for all of those things I think are so simple, or so mundane that I take them for granted. And when I find them, I’m going to say a special prayer of thanks, because my life would not be the same, and I would not be the same, if they hadn’t become part of my “plain-old life.” And then I’m going to add Candied Mandarin Oranges with Cranberries to my Thanksgiving menu, just for good measure. J

Perspective

In the years from 1993 to 1999, I lived in a beautiful home. I had flower boxes and a garden I tended with care. I grew tomatoes, okra, and fresh spring lettuce that I lovingly prepared for my family in those summers. In the winter months, I’d spend most of my time in the kitchen, cooking lasagna, chili, stews, or roasts. We were blessed to always have food on the table, and when our friends dropped by to see us, which they did often, we had enough to share.

We also had a fluffy, friendly dog that stood by the door until we got home, or so it seemed, and we often lived with two little boys, who were my step sons. These boys played in their room, or in the big yard with the dog, or sat in the living room, watching sports and becoming Dolphin and Tiger Woods fans, because their dad was. The boys were fun and funny and rambunctious, and we got to see them every summer for at least six weeks and at least once during the holidays, despite the fact that they lived four states away. When they were 6 and 8, I started teaching them “dating manners,” and we would have fancy dinners at the house (crab legs and steak, table cloth and candles). They would pull out my chair for me, say grace, and keep their elbows off the table. The rest of the time, they were “all boy,” running and fighting and wrestling and riding their bikes until they were tired enough, or told, to get their baths and go to sleep.

Sometimes our bills were paid late, but they were always paid. I had a really good job that I enjoyed, and we had vehicles in the driveway that took us all the places we wanted to go... Florida for a vacation, Michigan to see my family, and four states away to get the boys.

I was very secure in the fact that the man-of-the-house loved me beyond words. There was not a night, for most of that time, when we did not hold hands as we fell asleep. He bragged about my cooking, and I was proud of him for trying to start his own business, but, when this man died tragically in November of 1999, this chapter of my life came to a close.

There was a man. During the years of 1993-1999, he lived in a mobile home that he felt was too small and too old. His ex-wife had taken his children from him, and out of spite it seemed, moved them hundreds of miles away. He felt that he rarely got to see his sons, and the separation made him angry. Actually, nearly everything made him angry… his finances, his lack of ability to see his children more often, his past, his future… His anger kept him from working for or with other people, so he was forced to try to work on his own.  He always suspected his live-in girlfriend was cheating on him, and he felt like a failure, driving a seven-year-old Ford Ranger that his 5-11 frame could barely fold itself into. This angry, unhappy man took his own life in November of 1999, and this chapter of his life came to a close.

In case you haven’t guessed, both stories are about the same man... and me. The same family, same home, same life… two sides of the same coin. Two completely different perspectives. The entire experience makes me wonder why anyone would choose to see the most negative aspects of a situation. Do some people not realize that there is a choice to be made? Does negative thinking become so habitual that it becomes difficult, or impossible, to see what is going right amidst all of the going wrongs?

This week, near the anniversary of the ending of one of the most significant chapters of my life, I ask you: which side of the coin, which story of your life, is your focus? Does it serve you, or serve to crush your spirit? If it’s the latter, I beg of you, turn the coin over. Intentionally stop yourself from looking for the worst of things, and start making it a habit to count your blessings.

If you will, you can start to see that we live on a rich playground in which to explore ourselves and our lives, and though we sometimes skin our knees and get hurt on this playground, sometimes we get to swing and slide and play and feel sunshine on our faces. It is during these times, if you will recognize them, that life feels very, very good. And all is well.

Joy and love to you.