Almost Famous

Hearing of yet another tragic end to an amazing talent, Whitney Houston, made me wonder: what in the world is so attractive about being famous? Theories abound. Tucker Max, author of, “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell,” states that he believes that fame is our society’s most important indicator of power.[1] Dr. Donna Rockwell, clinical psychologist, suggests that fame is, psychologically speaking, parallel in nearly every way to drug and substance addiction.[2] Presumably, then, the allure of fame is the same as the allure of any drug… I want to feel better, stronger, happier, or, yes, more powerful. Dr. Thomas Plant posits that perhaps our own fear of death and the potential lack of relevance of our lives drive our desire to be known, and thus, to matter in some way to the world.[3]

I think, since I came to Nashville with the hope of being famous, that they are all correct. At some point in my life, having felt powerless and unhappy for long enough, I thought fame would solve my problems. I was drawn to the idea of having people smile at me, wanting to be near me, wanting to hear what I had to say (or sing). I would make friends with the world. And I would have the kind of power that would allow me to request everything from my most idiosyncratic preferences (like J. Lo’s request for Heliotrope scented candles in her dressing rooms), to the most generous of donations (when I would make guest appearances on the Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon, of course). Finally, because I knew how short life could be, fame would help to ensure I would not be forgotten.

One characteristic about fame that I want to address, however, is that it’s very subjective. In Nashville, for example, we who care about writing songs all know the name Dave Berg. Unless you are an aficionado of country music, however, the kind that scans CD covers for absolutely every bit of information, you probably don’t know or care that he’s written hits like, “If You’re Going Thru Hell,” “Stupid Boy,” or “What Kind of Gone.” Sure, there are those people who have become world renowned, but most fame is more localized, and often fleeting.

While this might seem like a bad thing, it’s actually one of the best things. If you are looking for fame, that is to say, if you are looking to matter to this world, then remember that your world is exactly that, yours. To someone, you are the most powerful, most liked, most well-known in your field. (Haven’t you ever heard a child ask a complete stranger, “Do you know my dad?” As far as that child is concerned, his dad is famous!) Today, redefine “famous,” to mean having or knowing something that allows you to be heard, makes you feel good, and allows you to realize that you matter. Think of those people who listen when you speak, enjoy when you feel happy, and miss you when they are not with you. To them, you are a Super Star.  

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[1] Interview with S. Kauffman, Psychology Today, http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/beautiful-minds/201107/conversations-creativity-tucker-max.

[2] Rockwell, D. & Giles, D.C. (2009). Being a Celebrity: A phenomenology of fame, Journal of Phenomenological Psychology (40) 178-210.

[3] Plant, T. (2011). Could death anxiety be behind our quest for fame? Psychology Today. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/do-the-right-thing/201102/could-death-anxiety-be-behind-our-quest-fame

Anticipation

That’s it! I’ve found it… the key to happiness! I am absolutely giddy, and do you know what caused it? You might think it’s because I’m eating Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia ice cream, or that my jeans went on a little easier this morning, or that I am on vacation, but none of those things are it. I bought a plane ticket, today! I’m going to the beach!

Isn’t it funny? I’m not in Florida. I’m going to be in Florida. Yep. The anticipation of going to Florida has me reeling. And as any child who has ever looked forward to Christmas morning can tell you, the anticipation of all of the great things to come is what has me most excited. I am anticipating drinking Rum Runners. I am anticipating lying on the beach. I am anticipating feeling that warm shower that I take to wash the sand and salt off my skin, and then cranking the tunes in my condo while I put on my make-up to go out for the evening. My body is practically shaking with joy!

Here is what I know: Christmas morning was never as fun as thinking about Christmas morning was. The movie that everyone said that I absolutely had to see was never as good as I thought it would be. And my vacation will be only three nights long, may or may not include good weather, and could possibly result in a sunburn. Still, I cannot wait! And as long as I am excitedly anticipating something, anything at all, I am about as happy as I’ll ever be. Experiences (good or bad) are the rich and wonderful sensation of being human and alive. Memories are often lovely, if bitter-sweet, and good for my inner tranquility. But the anticipation of fabulous things? Now, that’s where it’s at!

One of the things I talk about in my seminars is vision writing. I encourage people to write what they want their future to be. Part of the motivation for that is because I believe that, in order to get what you want, you have to be clear about what you want. Part of it, though, is because the anticipation of living your own dream life is one of the best ways to remain joyful. Furthermore, research shows that people suffering from depression tend to only anticipate negative future experiences, so the anticipation of positive experiences may just be the key to battling the blues.

This week, I encourage you to plan something. Anticipate something positive. No matter how far in the future you have to plan it in order for it to be believable for you (I always feel good when I review my plan to walk up the driveway to my own writer’s cabin in the mountains, for example, but that’s at least 10 years away…), write about or take the first step toward something wonderful! It’s fun to think about what’s coming, what could be, what might be, what will be... And who among us could not stand a little more fun?

What Are You Willing to Trade?

Oh, my. I just read a news story about a man who enlisted the help of his two friends in order to make $671,000. Their plan? Find a chain saw, strap it to a pole so the friends doing the cutting don’t have to stand too close (wouldn’t want this to get messy…) and use it to cut off the man’s hand. Are you kidding me? Sacrifice a limb for money? And if you do, somehow, manage to allow this to happen, you get what that man received… no hand and a felony charge, including 20 year prison sentence, for insurance fraud.

Although I am horrified by this story, I am not unaware of the fact that each of us face choices like these, every day. Ok, so maybe you’re not trying to decide which of your own eyes you will pluck out in order to collect disability, but you are making decisions that require you to answer, “How far will you go?” And, although some of those questions are about money, (like, “will you trade time with your family to stay later at the office,” or “will you risk $5000 in the stock market, in order to hope to make $10,000?”), some of our trades and choices are about less measurable things. Will you stay with a man who ignores your feelings so that you don’t have to be alone? Will you be less than honest so that your friend’s feelings aren’t hurt? Will you eat the third donut, because they taste really wonderful, eventhough you know you should go for a walk, instead? 

It seems to me that the daily task of decision making boils down to a system of calculations: traded value vs. received value, and risk vs. benefit. Does what we are trading have less value than what we are receiving? In the case of the trading of a hand for a little over $200,000 (remember, the sum they received has to be split over three people), and risking a felony conviction, we might think the answer is a resounding, “No!” For some reason, however, that imbalance wasn’t very clear to the guy in the news story. Just like, in the case of trading the time you could spend eating dinner with your family for more billable hours at the firm, the answer might not be as clear for you.

It makes me wonder which of the choices I make seem obviously imbalanced to others. Could the possible key to all of life be that we should get better at calculating trade values and risk vs. benefit? I would like to invite all of my friends to feel free to help me make these kinds of calculations in my life. And whatever I might say in the future, regardless of what case I make for it, please… never, ever tie a chain saw to a pole and help me cut off my hand.  

Less with More

Less with More

I have some friends who are still in their 20’s & 30’s. They help me remember optimism. When I was that young (and that old), I remember that I had the clarity to realize that the world held every opportunity and that I was completely equipped to take advantage of all of them. I was aware that any decision I made could be reversed if it wasn’t right for me. I could scrap a career and start over, if I wanted. I could have a relationship, decide it wasn’t working, and walk away. Somewhere after I turned 40, however, that perception changed. I started to evaluate myself in a different way, believing that my choices were now more limited, that I needed to have been more “settled” by now, that I needed to have used all of the gifts with which I have been blessed in some more meaningful way. I felt somewhat ashamed to have not made a larger contribution to the world than I had, given that I am so advantaged.

When I shared these thoughts with a friend of mine, he said, “I know what you mean! I’ve done less with more than anybody I know!”

Although he was at least half joking, that statement exactly summarized how I felt. In fact, I wonder if it’s not exactly that sentiment that describes many of our mid-life insecurities, as we scrutinize where we have been, what we have done or not done, and where we may have fallen short. Most of us have been blessed beyond measure with talent, opportunity, kindness, friendships, education, and other advantages too numerous to mention. On some level, we recognize that and cannot believe we haven’t accomplished more. We may also see some of the things that we perceive have held us back in some way, and we have resentments that we may not know how to reconcile or forgive. It’s a constant balancing act between the self-chastising that comes from knowing we “could have, but didn’t” and the victim-thinking of, “if only [someone or something] wouldn’t have sabotaged my efforts.”

I also have some friends who are now in their 50’s & 60’s. They, too, help me remember optimism. They talk to me about their own struggle with this balancing act of self-recrimination and evaluation, and how they have now forgiven themselves and others. They have become settled in their own skin. They have recognized that life is not something that should be evaluated as something we should have “won” by now. They seem to accept that there is always more to be done, that there are always dreams to chase, that there are always going to be limiting factors and road blocks that can be either navigated or removed, and that navigating or removing them is always a choice. My friends who have made it through this challenge of looking around and saying, “Oh! I should have done [something] by now,” and then saying, “It’s ok. I have. And I have not. And I am still alive, so I am still living,” are my inspiration. 

Because I have these friends, the younger ones who inspire me to be wide-eyed and excited about what the world has to offer, the “my-age” friends who “get me,” and the things that vex me, and my older friends who teach me to enjoy the relaxed comfort of settling into my own life and stride, I think I might just avert my “Mid-Life Crisis,” and simply have a mid-life. And today I have recognized that, of all of the “more,” I’ve been given, the most important of these things has been these diverse friends who help me dream, see, and enjoy. Thank you to all of you! Be with your friends, this week, and enjoy wherever you are on your life’s journey… it is both full of promise and excitement, and also waiting to be simply lived.

On Time

Hello! Did you miss me last Sunday? I took the week off, but it wasn’t intentional. Actually, I didn’t realize the week had even come and gone, until a friend of mine pointed out that I had not posted anything. It wasn’t until then that I realized time had simply gotten away from me. That realization made me wonder: what did I do with my time? Did I make any progress? Were any of my goals met? Was either my comfort or joy enhanced? Or was I just like a circus performer, spending time trying to keep multiple plates spinning on different sticks at one time, with no real objective other than to say, “Look at me! See how much I can do at once?”

In this life when options seem countless and priorities are in constant competition, how do you decide how to spend your time? Is it more important during a given hour to serve your spirit, taking time for meditation and prayer, or more important to serve your relationships, meeting a friend for coffee? Or should you work on your career, putting in one more hour at the office? Maybe you should focus on your health and make a stop at the gym… And once you decide, for example, to spend an hour focusing on your finances, how do you decide what is most important within that subset of potential demands? Will you be working on your tax return? Paying bills? Reviewing your investments? Writing a budget?

I wonder if this is why, because it’s so difficult to determine which of the things competing for our attention actually deserve our time, we resort to living from deadline to deadline. I think that, more often than me choosing how to spend my time, Time, that is to say, the days circled in red on my calendar, determine for me what I will be doing next. It is an absolutely crazy-making way to live.

Today I’m going to use my time, just a bit of it, to revisit my own life plan. I need to make certain that the things I am doing with my time are things that actually allow me to experience this life in the ways I choose. Sure, some of my time has to be spent in foundation building and completing basic chores, but if I don’t recognize which of those things are part of my own life vision, and start saying, “No, thank you,” to the things that don’t enhance that, time is just going to fly past me. I’m going to stop just cramming more into the day, and start recognizing which part of my best-life-plan is being served by the time I’m spending.

So, what about the time I’m spending writing this blog? Well, as it turns out, it’s a very economical usage of minutes. I get to commune with my friends (especially if you’d like to share your thoughts with me in return), spend a moment with my spirit as I re-evaluate my own struggles and passions, and practice my favored career choice of being a writer. That’s a lot of my own life vision being lived in one little activity. So, how about you? How would you like to spend your time, today? This week? This year? This fabulous lifetime?

Trash Baskets

My mom forwarded me an email that was full of the prayers of little children. One four-year-old was saying the Lord’s prayer, and prayed, “Forgive us our trash baskets, as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

Deep.

It made me wonder how many trash baskets I was carrying around with me. Different than your average “baggage,” which might be bad enough, my trash baskets actually contain things that I have recognized as useless (like old psychological wounds, or a negative self-image… that kind of thing) and, therefore, discarded. Instead of walking away, however, I just picked up the whole basket to carry with me, as if I might need to sort through it and retrieve something, at some point. How many thoughts, self-concepts, worries of things long since passed, do I drag around in some invisible, but no less burdensome trash basket?

And what of the people who have added things to my baskets over the years? The garbage they tossed my way that soiled my self-esteem or made my load a little heavier, which made my life a little messier… Did they mean to use my basket? Or were they, more likely, just trying to rid themselves of the trash that they too were carrying? And how much of my own trash have I relocated into someone else’s basket, inadvertently or otherwise?

It seems reasonable to ask for forgiveness for this. Mostly because, in carrying around a bunch of old trash, we essentially deprive ourselves of a lightened journey. How are we to live in joy, to enjoy this playground that is life with all of the blessings and gifts life has to offer, if we are focused on keeping track of old trash and monitoring the trash others put in our baskets?

I think I like this analogy because it’s easy for me to picture myself digging through my old trash. And that envisioning makes it easy to just stop rooting and gathering and carrying, because it seems almost ridiculous to dig through old trash. So, please forgive me my trash baskets. They’ve gotten in the way. And forgive me, too, if I’ve ever put anything in your trash basket. Let’s just stop dragging them around, shall we?

The Key to Success

In Tom Rath’s, “Strengths Finder, 2.0,” which is a book I’ve mentioned before, he gives clear descriptions of 34 different strengths. One of them is Empathy, which is to say: easily imagining what others might be thinking or feeling. It seems to me that having this particular trait might be a key component to Living in Joy. In fact, much of the advice on careers, relationships, finances, and even spirituality that I’ve read or studied over the years seems to be rooted in the very concept of empathy.

Steven Covey in “7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” for example, chooses to devote two of his seven concepts to empathy. Habit 4 is, “Think Win/Win,” and Habit 5 is, “Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood.” Simon Sinek, inspirational leader, talks about “Starting with Why,” which is a success strategy that is founded on the principle that successful leaders communicate by beginning with the empathetic question, “What motivations do you have?” Moms all over the world have repeated the mantra, “Treat others how you would like to be treated,” which really means that we, first, have to understand how we would like to be treated if we were that other person, with all of that person’s unique motivations, fears, concerns, history and habits.

If practicing empathy will increase our effectiveness, strengthen our relationships, and enable us to experience more satisfaction with life, then the remaining question is: how do we train ourselves to be empathetic?

First, we have to recognize that there is another person involved. Each of us is so entrenched in our own goals and wants that it’s extremely difficult to pull ourselves out of the loop, “What am I not getting? When will it be my turn?” Empathy means looking for what the other person perceives he or she is not getting, in order to understand his/her motivations. If people are resistant to you, you can bet it is because they fear not getting what they need. When you view the world from their perspective, you can help them alleviate that fear, so that you can work together to get what you both want.

Second, we have to ask ourselves, “How does what I want/need conflict with what this other person wants/needs? How does this person perceive it conflicts, even if we actually want the same results? How might I adjust my process to help this person meet his/her needs, while also meeting my own?”

Third, we have to look past the obvious demand and get to the deeper motivation. If I want to go out to dinner with my spouse, for example, and he wants to stay home and sit on the couch, how do we both get what we want? The key is to look for the objectives we each have. I want to go on a “date” with him. He wants to unwind and relax in the comfort of home. Those are the immediate demands. However, if what both of us want, as our final objective, is more intimacy, we can turn off the TV, cater-in dinner (however humble), light candles, and relax on a “date” in the living room. It may sound like compromising, but really, meeting both persons’ objectives is a “win-win,” not a compromise.

It’s not always easy. It’s work to examine and re-evaluate a seemingly simple, “I want.” It’s especially difficult to be empathetic enough to see why our “I want” is not immediately met with an, “Of course, dear.” But it’s worth it. In fact, living empathetically, at least according to nearly every great thinker I’ve ever studied, is the absolute key to successful relationships, in your home, in business, and anywhere else other people share your space.