Venting

I love a good girls’ night out. We laugh, we eat good food, and many times, we “vent,” which is really just a nice word for complaining. Venting is distinguished from talking through problems with your friends or spouse in an effort to find solutions. Venting is what we do when we lament, “I just wanted him/her to listen! I hate when he/she tries to solve my problem. I was just venting. “  

Being a habitual “venter,” myself, I have recently started to wonder about the effectiveness of this practice. It seems like, if it were a productive habit, we wouldn’t have to vent the same information over and over. Instead, as the venting continues, day after day, so does discomfort seem to increase instead of decreasing, at least in myself, as bad behavior is recalled and rehashed, long after whatever situation caused the venting is over. Is there a better solution for getting through various frustrating situations than the coveted venting?

The answer just might be found in neuroscience and the study of hormones. I recently read the results of an experiment conducted by Dr. Paul Zak. In the experiment, oxytocin (the “niceness” hormone, the hormone responsible for bonding between mothers and babies, in particular) levels were measured. Not only were oxytocin levels increased in subjects who experienced the kindness of others (generosity, in the case of the experiment), but also increased when the subject was nice to someone else. In other words, if you are nice to someone, not only does that make someone else feel good, it makes you feel good, too!

I don’t think this is earth-shaking news. What I want to point out, however, is what that information means to our daily effort to stay connected to our joy. It turns out that, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all,” is not just your mother’s admonition to be polite. Brain chemistry research seems to show that it may be a key to living in joy. Similar to how complaining turns our focus to the least desirable traits of our friends and family, saying something nice starts a domino effect of its own: say something nice (oxytocin released in the speaker), feel nice (more oxytocin released in the speaker and the listener), speaker and listener are more likely to do something nice(oxytocin released in the speaker, the listener and  the recipient of nice behavior)… and so it goes, until our own brain chemistry is altered, and we are now wired to feel good. In addition, as oxytocin is the “bonding hormone,” we are indirectly renewing the bond between ourselves and those of whom, and to whom, we speak.

It should be noted that “venting,” even without active problem solving, also releases oxytocin in the person complaining, just like saying something nice does (which is probably why we’ve adopted the habit in the first place).  It does not, however, release oxytocin in the listener. Given the choice, why not have discussions that offer the greatest benefit for all concerned? Do yourself, your friends, and the people about whom you speak a favor… Unless you really are looking for productive solutions to a specific problem, say something nice, or don’t say anything at all. 

Living in Joy Challenge: Obviously, the challenge for this week is to speak only well of others and of situations. Also in spire this in others. Start the next “break room” discussion by asking, “What nice thing happened to you, this week?” or “What do you most respect about your spouse?” After a week of this, chemically speaking, you will be different.  I can’t wait to hear about the change. J