In the Negative

As some of you know, I used to teach math. I remember how difficult it was to teach students how to add and subtract negative numbers. Ultimately, I think the problem is that negative numbers are not an intuitive concept. (If there is already nothing, how can you take something away?) Yet, so many of us do that very thing in so many aspects of our lives, everyday! If we don’t go above and beyond, if we don’t “give until it hurts,” we do not feel as though we are good friends, spouses, or workers.

Today, I want to give you permission to give only as much as you can give without suffering a loss.

It seems fairly simple, doesn’t it? If you have ten dollars, for example, you can give a family member ten dollars, but you can’t give eleven. If you have two extra hours in your day, you can spend those two helping the church, but you cannot give three. This is not difficult math. It is, however, difficult execution. Adopting the new credo requires several things.

First, it requires that you become very clear about your own assets. How much time do you have that is, as of yet, unclaimed by obligations? How much money is “extra” this week? How much emotional energy do you have, today? Do you choose to spend your emotional assets listening to your girlfriend rehash the same complaints and conversations she’s had for the past year?

Once you’ve defined your assets for the day, you will have to learn to say, “No.” “No, I simply do not have that in my budget.” “No, I can only be here for one hour, not four.” “Yes, I understand that is difficult for you, but we’ve discussed this, before. I only have the energy today to talk about what you would like to do about it?”

One of the most difficult aspects of adopting this new credo is that it requires some of us to adopt a new self-concept. We don't want to appear selfish, or as if we are not putting in our fair share of effort. However, the fact is that we are not as productive as we think we are when we're trying to cram too much into one day. Friendship and love do not require spending ourselves until we are emotionally bankrupt and exhausted. Friends, church, family, work, will all take as much as we will give them. They all rely on us to set your own limits and boundaries. It is not up to them to police those boundaries for us. They do not take advantage of our good nature. We take advantage of ourselves.

In the end, giving until it hurts only hurts. It does not create more productive giving. More productive giving comes from being centered enough, calm enough, and asset rich enough to give with an open, unrushed heart. Be protective of your assets, and manage them with care.    

 Mother Teresa said, “It is not how much we give, but how much love we put in the giving.” And I ask you, how much love can you really put in, if you are giving from less than zero?

Living in Joy Challenge: This week, even if you are not ready to say, “No,” or set new boundaries, at least begin your daily inventory. Today, do you need to find, earn or renew something, before you can give to someone else? Start to identify where and when you are tempted to give something you do not have. And, by all means, start to respect the people in your life who are good at setting boundaries. Ask them how they do it. As always, I’d love to hear what challenges this presents for you. J

Confessions of Carelessness

During my recent move, I discovered a stash of unmarked, recordable CD’s. Of the four, three had nothing on them at all. The fourth had twenty songs on it. What fun! It’s like finding a roll of film (back when “on film” was how we took pictures) and wondering which slice of life they would have captured. I couldn’t wait to hear this CD and think, “Oh! I remember that! I remember making that, and what I was thinking, and where I was.” I put the CD in my player and went about my daily chores, glad to reminisce.

But the first song was one I couldn’t remember ever hearing. The second song was only vaguely familiar. As it turned out, most of the songs were completely foreign to me, and I had definitely never heard them in this order, on this CD. Somewhere after the fourth song, I realized: I hadn’t burned these songs to a CD, myself. Someone made this CD for me. And whenever that had happened, I had never listened to it.

Sometimes I am struck by how careless we are with each other. This was one of those times. After all, someone who must have known how much I love music was sharing something with me. Someone had intentionally selected songs he thought I might like and compiled them onto a CD, and I never even bothered to listen to it. Not only do I not remember the songs, I don’t remember who gave them to me.

I have been through heartbreak. I have gone through the all the phases: the self pity, “Will I ever be loved?" The anger, “He’s an idiot! [Forget] him!” The resolution, “I learned, I loved, and I’m better for it.” I wonder, now, if the person who gave me this CD thought he loved me. I wonder if he went through those stages. Clearly, I was so clueless or wrapped-up in myself at the time that I hadn’t noticed. Ugh.

And, at this moment, all of the people who have ever broken my heart are forgiven. I understand. We don’t mean to be careless with each other, any more than I meant to be careless with the CD giver. But how many times has someone else’s carelessness taken our joy? In fact, there are those of us who make entire life decisions based on our experience of someone else’s carelessness: “[Whatever] happened, and now I’ll never love that deeply, or care that easily, or trust someone that completely…”

What if, right now, we think about those who have been careless with our hearts and we forgive them?  What if we acknowledge that people are not intentionally cruel and that wherever they were in their world when we met them, however unavailable or unkind they appeared, whatever circumstance intervened and made it look as though our feelings did not matter, had nothing to do with us? Would acknowledging that simple fact make it easier for us to actually live our lives to the fullest?  

I think so.

To the CD giver: I’m sorry I was careless with you. The music is wonderful. Thank you.

Living in Joy Challenge: (The toughest one, yet…) Think of the person for whom you harbor the most anger, the most resentment, the most disappointment. Realize that you were not their target. You were not tricked or singled out for torture. This person, for that time, for whatever reason, was careless. Call them careless. Acknowledge their foolishness for not seeing you as wonderful. But recognize that this was not as much an integral part of your journey as it was part of theirs…and  forgive them.

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother’s Day

… for only a Mother’s love is sufficient to change little girls into princesses.

This is the photo and caption I have on my bathroom wall, where I get ready to face my day every morning.  It’s a Polaroid snapshot from Christmas 1970, and reminds me of a time when my mother sewed my clothes. As you can see by this photo, for holidays she would make our outfits to match. Mine was slightly different, made for a little girl instead of fitted for a woman, but I felt beautiful, and special, and grown-up, like mommy.

Now, when I look at that photo of my mom in her early 20’s, so pretty, gracious and loving, I am reminded that I come from her. I am, in so many ways, still dressed like her. I share her attitudes, her outlook, her manner of speaking. I learned what I know of loving, of working hard, and of being a lady from watching her. I grew to trust myself, others and this world, because I could trust her.

On this Mother’s Day, I want to celebrate all of the mothers, like mine, who allow us to adopt their most positive attributes and wear them proudly. And though my version of what I wear:  my smile, my disposition, my kindness… may vary slightly from hers, I know that it has been only through her encouragement, her example and her willingness to teach me and continue learning, that I have been able to truly enjoy the riches of this life and to feel utterly spoiled by its offerings… like a princess.

Happy Mother’s Day! To mothers, daughters and sons who will celebrate this relationship, today.

Living In Joy Challenge: I know that some of you are not able to talk to or visit with your mother, right now. Celebrate, anyway. Celebrate what she taught you of loving yourself and this life. Celebrate the best she ever gave you by example or deed. Take one day to remember your own remarkable qualities and recognize the part she played in helping you become yourself. Enjoy! J

The Kindness of Strangers

To me, birthday anniversaries are the one day a year that we make a point to say, “Wow! I’m glad you were born. You, individually, are valuable to me and the people who know you.” It’s a time to celebrate the prior accomplishments of a person and reflect on where they have been. It’s a day to revel in the possibilities that will present themselves in the coming year, and anticipate new loves and experiences.

Because of my absolute reverence for birthdays, when a friend of mine was nearing his next birthday, I considered very diligently what I might do in order to help him celebrate. I decided that, since birthdays are a time to celebrate the heritage and history of a man, he might like a book of pictures from the town in Italy that shares his surname. I would help him celebrate his own birthday by celebrating the birthplace of his ancestors.

My problem: I had never been to Italy. Where would I find the photos to create this picture book?

My solution: a websearch that took me to the site of an amateur photographer named Michael Dogan. I could not tell which of his photos were of the little town I needed, but I loved his pictures. He captured people, expressions, and feelings. His landscapes were so well done, I could very nearly feel the sun from the photos warming my skin. (He’s really great. Check out www.michaeldogan.com). I emailed Michael and asked if I could purchase his photos. He declined on the humble basis that he was “an amateur”, but agreed kindly to let me use his photos for my little birthday project.

Take a minute to absorb that generosity. I was a willing buyer. Yet, he agreed to share his work, his art, his heart (as any artist will attest) with me for nothing. That would have been enough to renew my faith in the kindness of strangers. Imagine my complete elation and disbelief when he sent another  email with the following information: he had very few pictures of this small town, and was unsure exactly which pictures they were. Therefore, he and his wife would plan a trip from Rome, where he lives, to this town. They would go that very weekend, so that I would have time to get my project together. And he would take pictures with my project in mind and make them available to me.

Now, he was going more than a step further to be kind to a complete stranger, half a world away. He and his wife were giving their time, their talent, and their vacation fund to remove my stumbling block. Wow. If you ever doubt that people are basically good, think of this story. If you ever wonder if the human spirit is capable of generosity in this day and age, remember Michael and his wife. If you ever feel alone and defeated before you even begin, imagine that there is someone, somewhere, who will help you when you least expect it and set about finding that someone.

I wonder, often, if I make that kind of impact. Do I, can I, help someone completely renew their faith in people and the richness of life and the human experience? One thing is certain: I can be better about going one step further.


Living in Joy Challenge: Do something unexpected for someone else. Buy the coffee for the person in line behind you. Offer someone your umbrella. Anonymously pay someone’s electric bill. Restore someone’s faith in strangers. Who knows… Maybe someone in another country is blogging about your kindness, today. J