Living In Joy

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Resources Part 5: Your Finances

Resources: Part 5 – Finance
I often talk in my seminars about how we use the phrase, “…but I don’t have the money,” as an excuse for not living our perfect dream life, more often than we really should. “I would quit my job, if I didn’t need the money…” or “I would go to Italy, but I don’t have the money…” or “I would go back to school, if I only had the money…” Sound familiar? The worst part about this is that this kind of thinking actually puts money in charge of our dreams, and takes the power completely away from us. I submit to you that rarely in our lives is there an actual lack of money, and that what we are more likely to lack is the creativity, the relationships, or the “want to,” to really go for what we think we want.
When you consider your finances, please remember that money is just dirty, little pieces of paper that we have all agreed to trade for things we really want. However, don’t you have other things of value you could trade? Essentially, we have completely lost track of the fact that we live within a barter system. Our financial brains don’t even process that way, anymore. But what if they did? What if you looked at all of the things that you have to offer, and started offering them? What could you get in return?
Consider someone whose dream it is to be a chef, but who doesn’t, “have the money,” to chase that dream. Since groceries are one of the expenses everyone has, how about this: Find a working mother/wife who would love to have dinner on the table when she gets home. Combine both people’s grocery lists, so that, for the price of a few extra groceries, the mother could avoid the store and the cooking, while the would-be chef shops and cooks for her. The chef gets to live his/her dream and have groceries in the house, and the wife/mother gets to live her dream of having dinner on the table when she gets home. It doesn’t replace the need for that job that earns a living, but it’s a start.   
This is just one thought for you. I hope you can imagine how it might play out in your world with your dreams. While I’ve bartered things like tutoring other students in nursing courses in exchange for credit hours from the college, and painting walls  in exchange for the supplies I needed to repair my own home, I’m not oblivious to the fact that some things just demand the cash. I haven’t yet found a way to barter with the electric company, for example. Therefore, I’ve listed, below, a few of the resources I’ve used to help me improve my relationship with money, so that I can be better at saving and budgeting.  
Author of “Finish Rich,” David Bach has http://finishrich.com/lattefactor/, which includes his incredible, eye-opening quiz. You may be sitting on a gold mine, and not even realize it.
One of the most popular and successful money gurus?  www.daveramsey.com. After all, who better to tell you how to get out from under debt and looming bankruptcy than someone who has been there?
And the classic, “Rich Dad , Poor Dad,” by Robert Kiyosaki is a must read, if you really want to understand how to make and keep money around you. You can find this book used, on Amazon, for just a couple of dollars.    
Think about bartering, and think about how to take more control of your own financial picture. Before you know it, you will be controlling your finances instead of letting your finances dictate to you.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Resources, Part 4 - Your Health

Resources: Part 4 – Health
When it comes to my physical health, proper diet and exercise, I struggle. It’s not the lack of knowing what to do. Essentially, maintaining physical health boils down to three things: physical activity, nutrition, and proper rest. The rest part I get. What about activity and nutrition? I know I should walk and stretch and run and play. I know I should eat fresh produce and lean protein sources. I don’t. and I don’t know why it feels so difficult to me. As for Health Resources then, I can only tell you some of the things that periodically help me stay on track, admit to you that I struggle, and ask you to also share your resources with me.
First, let me start by saying that I absolutely relate to Elizabeth Gilbert’s summary of her relationship to calories. Enjoy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ZY86k2NjTY for a little perspective. (In case you are a man reading this, just know that no woman will “ask you to leave” either.) As it turns out, we are really the only ones cruelly measuring ourselves against Victoria’s Secret and Guess jean models. If I had a friend who talked to me the way I talk to myself when I look in the mirror after my shower, I’d ditch her and eat an entire pint of Haagen Dazs in protest.
Next, I like this quote by nutritionist Adele Davis: “Every day, you do one of two things: build health or produce disease in yourself.” I have aced college courses on anatomy and physiology, pharmacokinetics, and nutrition. You would think I would have known this. For some reason, though, the statement Ms. Davis makes is so inflexible that it immediately changed how I viewed my responsibility to my own health. I lived on the premise that I was either doing something good for me, or I wasn’t. I had never thought, until reading this, “I’m either doing something that is good for me, or I am actively producing disease. There is no neutral.” 
I also like the incredible book series, “Eat This, Not That,” (Zinczenko & Goulding). If you haven’t seen these books, find them! The authors have investigated fast food restaurants, children’s favorites, the frozen food isle, even our own cupboards, to help direct us to the “best” food choices. These books are of the, “If you are going to eat a burger and fries (which you know, at some point, I am going to do), eat THIS burger and fries,” variety. Accept my own preferences, and make better choices. Brilliant!
My last resource, but perhaps the most powerful, is a lesson in treating the whole mind, body and spirit with care and respect. Carolyn Myss’s, “Anatomy of the Spirit,” (http://www.myss.com) can be a pretty heavy exploration into metaphysical concepts like chakras and archetypes, so they’re not for everyone. However, if you can relate on any level to the phrase, “You are what you think,” then her work, founded on years of study and research, shouldn’t be missed.    
I am absolutely positive that my continuing to Live in Joy will be easier with the aid of a healthy, strong and flexible body. These resources help me, but they haven’t yet made me jump out of bed when my alarm sounds at 5am and rush to the gym. If any of you have solutions or things that motivate you, please do share. And, as always, have a wonderful, healthful week!  

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Resources: Part 3 - Your Home

“Home is where the heart is.”
 The sentiment is an old one, first penned by Pliny the Elder (23-79 A.D.). It’s not difficult to imagine that he, a naval commander of the Roman Empire, may have been longing to feel safe and loved, just as we do now. However, while I freely acknowledge and celebrate that any location filled with the comfort of friends and family can make a person feel “at home,” I also believe that the physical structure of your Home plays its own part in comforting your heart. As physical beings, our surroundings, though material in nature, can have a profound effect on our ability to remain in contact with our joy. How much ambient noise there is, how soft or hard the flooring, how fluffy the pillows, how open the kitchen, how light the rooms… all of these things count toward making our Home part of the best life we can imagine.
Can you define what “captures your heart” or makes you comfortable in a home? Unfortunately, some of us spend time wishing for bigger houses without really giving any thought to what makes a Home comfortable to us. This week, I want to offer you some resources for making your house more “Homey.”
First: Decide what you like and what says, “Home,” to you. What pieces do you already have that you will never live without? What artwork, dishes, or home-made pieces make you smile, every time you see or touch them? Walk around your current house. Take your time looking around. Pay attention to the place you naturally spend the most time. What do you like about that space? What do you not like?
Next: Consult the experts. There are some pretty simple “rules,” about what feels good to most people in the way of positioning furniture, setting your lighting, etc. www.interiorholic.com is a favorite website for rules and inspiration. When in doubt, contact a decorator. You don’t have to be rich to have a consultation. Experienced, trained decorators can walk into a room and almost immediately see what it needs to feel warmer, more livable, or more “user-friendly.” At $85-$150 per hour, having them come into your home and give you some ideas of how to achieve your “homey feeling” is a lot cheaper than buying the wrong couch. Just set the timer, so you can stay within your budget, and take lots of notes.
After That: Rearrange, paint or shop, as needed. I like to browse the big furniture stores and then check www.craigslist.com to see if I can any favorite items cheaper. Also, don’t forget your discount stores like Ross, Marshall’s, or TJ Maxx. I have found some of the most fabulous pieces for a little bit of nothing at these places. And, if you’re contemplating a large purchase, be patient and wait for a sale.
Finally: Live in your Home. There is something about food on the stove and in the refrigerator that makes your house feel different. Invite people over. Sit on your furniture and read or visit. It wasn’t until I invited people over to the apartment I live in now that I realized I was missing some important pieces. I didn’t have adequate seating, and I didn’t have anything, like the throw pillows I like so much, that felt welcoming. As it turns out, I needed those things as much for myself as for my company. And finally, nearly a year after moving-in, I recognize my apartment as my Home. Why? Because now it is what I expect a home to be: a welcoming environment for me and my friends.
 Have fun, and enjoy your Home!

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Resources: Part 2 - Your Relationships

Resources: Part 2 – Relationships
Have you ever noticed that every relationship you have gives you an opportunity to experience a very different side of yourself? For example: The pieces of my personality that I get to experience in my most intimate relationship, like the part of me that is sensual and vulnerable, aren’t appropriate parts of my own persona to explore within my workplace. (Obviously.) By the same token, I don’t get to experience myself as an expert in giving subcutaneous injections, as part of my trusted relationship with patients, outside of my healthcare workplace (a fact for which all of my social friends are grateful). And sometimes, it feels as if a relationship only exists to give me an opportunity to practice my patience (like my relationship with the BMV clerk). Ultimately, I need all of these relationships in order to truly experience the whole of who I am: a combination of diverse strengths, skills and emotions. When we are missing opportunities to experience our best selves, or pieces of our best selves, we feel a void.
Because my relationships are so varied in nature, the resources I’ve used to strengthen my relationships have had to be equally varied. Improving basic, technical skills associated with your job can inspire the trust of your clients. Outside of that, however, is a vast world of information, new ideas, and reminders for how to communicate and relate to yourself and others in a way that strengthens your relationship bonds. Below is a list of some of the sources I use regularly, along with others that have made a definite impact on how I treat people, and how I allow myself to be treated.
1. My Favorite Website:  http://www.ted.com/: TED is an organization that finds “Ideas Worth Spreading.” The site contains videos from TED conferences, where some of the greatest thinkers of our time have presented ideas and concepts related to things as technical as nuclear energy and as basic as saying, “Thank you.”  http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/laura_trice_suggests_we_all_say_thank_you.html, and  http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/benjamin_zander_on_music_and_passion.html.

2. Blogs I Follow: Guidance, Growth and Grace, by MaryAnne Banich, which explores our relationship with ourselves and the world around us, at http://blog.guidancegrowthandgrace.com/.
And Monte King’s blog, “Just a Thought,” which is often focused on our relationships with others and the Divine, at http://web.me.com/monteking/Monte_King_Counseling/Blog/Blog.html.

3. Books I Recommend: John C. Maxwell with Jim Dornan, Becoming a Person of Influence, which is a brilliant text about interacting positively with others. And Mutant Message Down Under, by Marlo Morgan, which is a striking, true story (and quick read) about our individual relationship with the world and humankind. Also, The Holy Bible. Let’s face it: nothing describes the best and worst parts of any relationship better than The Bible.

There must be thousands of books written every year that address relationships in some form or another. I’ve read a lot of them and will continue to do so, but these three are the ones from which I continue to gain insight. I have found that I cannot apply every suggestion at once, so I choose the things I can change, immediately, to make the most positive impact on my relationships with others, then I re-read these books from time to time to get something else I can use. I hope you find these resources as helpful, or at least intriguing, as I have. Enjoy your Relationships!   

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Resources: Part 1 - Career

Finding Your Strengths
It hardly seems possible that Thanksgiving is this week! I really feel like it should still be September. What I know about Thanksgiving is that, as the holiday season comes upon us, time will only move faster. The time between now and the end of the year is going to fly past me, in a flurry of “get ready for’s” and “enjoy the moments.” Because of the speed at which 2012 is rocketing toward us, I thought it might be fun to spend the next few weeks offering you some of the most impactful and valuable resources I have found for finding joy regardless of circumstance. I will be sharing my current favorite resources in our seven major life areas: Career, Relationship, Home, Health, Finance, Spirituality and Community, in the hope that you will enter 2012 well-armed with some support you may not have had in the past. My desire is that these resources will help you, as they have helped me, remain connected to your joy throughout the year.  
This week, I am starting with Career. I want to share with you a book by Tom Rath, called “Strengths Finder 2.0.” Tom discusses that we have been a culture that focuses largely on “well-rounded” knowledge bases and behavior, but that, in focusing our efforts in that way, we miss the benefits of our individual differences. One of the reasons, for example, that we may remain frustrated in our jobs or focused on our negative outcomes instead of celebrating our achievements, is because we think we should be “Straight A’s” across the board. If, in contrast, we would concentrate more on perfecting our own specialties, we could experience more fulfillment (doing what we love in an area wherein we excel) and be more valuable (becoming true experts in our own specialties).
While the concept of capitalizing on my strengths makes perfect sense to me, I’m not certain, anymore, what my true strengths are. It seems I have spent years trying to improve my areas of weakness. However, in order to envision my best-ever life in the interest of Living in Joy, then I need to know what the best experience of myself and my unique talents would entail. This is where Tom Rath enters. His book, “Strengths Finder 2.0” is an exploration, as the title suggests, of you and your strengths.  
I encourage you to go to www.strengthsfinder.com, read his concept, and take the quiz. As it turns out, of the 34 different strengths, my top five are: Positivity, Input, Futuristic, Empathy, and Achievement. Well… of course.  The best part of Strengths Finder is that Mr. Rath doesn’t just leave you with that. He actually provides action plans for your particular strengths, so that you can get the most out of the things that come naturally to you. Now, I can see how to work within those 5 strengths to create a career focus (inside of my current job title) that is completely fulfilling to me, while also meeting corporate goals. I can also see clearly where I need to ask for help or delegate, rather than struggling to learn more, do more, or work harder to make-up for my own deficits.
Whether 2012 is going to bring you a career change or you are just looking for a way to experience that deep pulse of joy throughout your current career workday, discovering your own strengths could be a great place to begin to make a shift in your area of focus. Here’s to the best career experience you can imagine! Please post your own strengths here, if you feel like it. You never know who might be reading and need exactly the strength you possess. Enjoy your career!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Thanksgiving Recipes

Does anyone out there read “Bon Appetit” magazine? It’s one of my favorites! It has articles on setting-up the perfect kitchen, new gadgets, grilling techniques, and, of course, recipes. When I got my November issue, I was not surprised to see a turkey on the front cover. Naturally, in this season of giving thanks, this premier food magazine has to investigate the greatest food celebration of the year: the Thanksgiving Dinner. I couldn’t be more delighted!
I should mention that, over the years that I’ve been getting this magazine, I rarely try the recipes. Generally, recipes for things like Cumin-Scented Quinoa and Black Rice stray a bit too far from my mid-western food sensibilities. I like imagining the people who do cook these recipes, though, and I think they must be very cosmopolitan, probably in high-rise condos with grand views of the city, beautiful, Jenn-Air equipped kitchens with chefs knives, and pots of every size at their fingertips. I can just see them stopping at little Asian markets and Italian delis on their way home from their very exciting jobs, to get the ingredients for these “Bon Appetit” concoctions. And I’m a little enamored by the idea.
This month, I knew I'd flip through the pages of my magazine and find new, improved ways to twist my old favorites, though I probably wouldn't try any of them. Tandori-Spiced Roast Turkey, Crawfish Gravy, and Wild Rice, Fruit and Pecan Stuffing were just some of the recipes featured near the back of the magazine. What surprised me, though, was the first half of the issue, which is always where the “how-to’s” and best kitchen advice are shared. This month, they addressed how to make the perfect mashed potatoes and gravy.
When I started reading, I have to admit that I was thinking, “Ok. Good! How can I improve my methods and make this year’s mashed potatoes the fluffiest and creamiest, ever?” Cut peeled potatoes into 2” pieces. Cover in cold water. Gently simmer. Mash. Add cream. Add salt. (Tyme, basil and rosemary: optional). Add butter. As for the gravy? Start with a rue of butter and flour. Add stock.
What?! My mother’s time-honored traditions, what I think of as “plain-old cooking,” in print? In a fancy, fussy, food magazine, and accompanied by some of the most delectable photos of all time! It made me smile. And I was proud to know that I had been taught the best possible way to make mashed potatoes and gravy, at least according to the very picky editors of “Bon Appetite.” I wondered if there would be people in the city, in their high rise condos, reading these recipes and imagining me, this time… cooking in my none-too-well-decorated kitchen, on my electric stove, with my one wooden spoon and my two worn and dulled paring knives, after having stopped at the Kroger for my sack of potatoes. And I imagined they would be just a little enamored of my simple traditions and plain-old, home-style cooking.
I guess it’s just one more lesson in being grateful for what I have. So, this Thanksgiving, I’m going to make a point to look for all of those things I think are so simple, or so mundane that I take them for granted. And when I find them, I’m going to say a special prayer of thanks, because my life would not be the same, and I would not be the same, if they hadn’t become part of my “plain-old life.” And then I’m going to add Candied Mandarin Oranges with Cranberries to my Thanksgiving menu, just for good measure. J

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Perspective

In the years from 1993 to 1999, I lived in a beautiful home. I had flower boxes and a garden I tended with care. I grew tomatoes, okra, and fresh spring lettuce that I lovingly prepared for my family in those summers. In the winter months, I’d spend most of my time in the kitchen, cooking lasagna, chili, stews, or roasts. We were blessed to always have food on the table, and when our friends dropped by to see us, which they did often, we had enough to share.

We also had a fluffy, friendly dog that stood by the door until we got home, or so it seemed, and we often lived with two little boys, who were my step sons. These boys played in their room, or in the big yard with the dog, or sat in the living room, watching sports and becoming Dolphin and Tiger Woods fans, because their dad was. The boys were fun and funny and rambunctious, and we got to see them every summer for at least six weeks and at least once during the holidays, despite the fact that they lived four states away. When they were 6 and 8, I started teaching them “dating manners,” and we would have fancy dinners at the house (crab legs and steak, table cloth and candles). They would pull out my chair for me, say grace, and keep their elbows off the table. The rest of the time, they were “all boy,” running and fighting and wrestling and riding their bikes until they were tired enough, or told, to get their baths and go to sleep.

Sometimes our bills were paid late, but they were always paid. I had a really good job that I enjoyed, and we had vehicles in the driveway that took us all the places we wanted to go... Florida for a vacation, Michigan to see my family, and four states away to get the boys.

I was very secure in the fact that the man-of-the-house loved me beyond words. There was not a night, for most of that time, when we did not hold hands as we fell asleep. He bragged about my cooking, and I was proud of him for trying to start his own business, but, when this man died tragically in November of 1999, this chapter of my life came to a close.

There was a man. During the years of 1993-1999, he lived in a mobile home that he felt was too small and too old. His ex-wife had taken his children from him, and out of spite it seemed, moved them hundreds of miles away. He felt that he rarely got to see his sons, and the separation made him angry. Actually, nearly everything made him angry… his finances, his lack of ability to see his children more often, his past, his future… His anger kept him from working for or with other people, so he was forced to try to work on his own.  He always suspected his live-in girlfriend was cheating on him, and he felt like a failure, driving a seven-year-old Ford Ranger that his 5-11 frame could barely fold itself into. This angry, unhappy man took his own life in November of 1999, and this chapter of his life came to a close.

In case you haven’t guessed, both stories are about the same man... and me. The same family, same home, same life… two sides of the same coin. Two completely different perspectives. The entire experience makes me wonder why anyone would choose to see the most negative aspects of a situation. Do some people not realize that there is a choice to be made? Does negative thinking become so habitual that it becomes difficult, or impossible, to see what is going right amidst all of the going wrongs?

This week, near the anniversary of the ending of one of the most significant chapters of my life, I ask you: which side of the coin, which story of your life, is your focus? Does it serve you, or serve to crush your spirit? If it’s the latter, I beg of you, turn the coin over. Intentionally stop yourself from looking for the worst of things, and start making it a habit to count your blessings.

If you will, you can start to see that we live on a rich playground in which to explore ourselves and our lives, and though we sometimes skin our knees and get hurt on this playground, sometimes we get to swing and slide and play and feel sunshine on our faces. It is during these times, if you will recognize them, that life feels very, very good. And all is well.

Joy and love to you.

  


Sunday, October 30, 2011

The iPod

I got my mom an iPod for her birthday. I think it’s a great solution for her. She loves music, but continues to buy entire CD’s for one, favorite song. Then, she has to ask her tech-savvy friends to burn those “one songs,” onto some sort of compilation disc, so she can have those songs in her car. I figure, if I can help her set it up, the iPod is going to be her very favorite gift of all time. Music. What better gift than music for a woman who still does The Pony in her own living room?
This was my hope. As soon as I got the gadget into my car, however, I started second guessing. Actually, there was a point at which I could picture myself handing her the neatly wrapped package and saying, “Happy birthday, Mom. This year, I got you a giant argument between you and me,” because I suspected my mom might look at the tiny music player with the confusing selection wheel, and immediately get discouraged. If she did, then no matter how easy I tried to make it sound, she would set her jaw and say, “I can’t use that thing.” To which I would respond, “Yes, you can! See? It’s easy!” She would pretend to look, but not hear a word of my instruction, if that happened. Gosh. I could only hope she didn’t get discouraged before we began.
Now, you might be thinking, “Why would you give your mother a gift she’s going to hate?” And my answer would be, “Because after she gets done hating it, I know she’s going to love it!” How do I know this? Because I am my mother. And I hate change, and new ideas, and feeling like I don’t understand. I want to know how to do everything, and be really good at it, before anyone sees me struggling. (It’s one of the reasons I don’t take Zumba classes. I hate to be the one flailing in the back row.) At the same time, however, I know, from past experience, that if I just stop resisting things, if I stop pushing and rushing and trying to get to the end, if I stop hating the situation or process, it won’t be long before I love it.
I had a nursing school instructor inform me that her entire intention was to keep me off balance, challenge me, and push me, and that, if I didn’t feel uncomfortable, she couldn’t teach me everything I needed to know. She said I would hate learning, but that I would love nursing. As soon as she explained that she expected me to feel incapable and clueless, the discomfort was, somehow, easier to manage. I had been given the faith I needed to trust that the sick feeling I got for being flung around the “learning curve” would end. And after it ended, I would have the benefit of relief, new knowledge, and experience. And I would be free, only then, to enjoy applying what I had learned.
So, this week, I want to ask you if you are resisting, fighting back, or closing your mind to something new and uncomfortable. Not everything uncomfortable is something that should be avoided. In fact, more often than not, it’s something that could, if given the chance, be something you love. I hope my mom sees it that way. You know? I really should learn to do The Pony with her in her living room, or take a Zumba class when I get back to Nashville… Even if I have to flail a little, at first.   

Sunday, October 23, 2011

The Pina Colada Song

This week, I’ve been thinking about life visions and how they affect our romantic relationships. (I know. You’re shocked that I want to revisit this relationship thing, aren’t you?) Single or not, there exist perils that threaten our best opportunities to Live in Relationship-Joy. Given that none of my single friends seem to be any happier than any of my long-term, married friends, and vice-versa, my question is: is there any way to ensure that we experience our own best-life-we-can-imagine, either with or without a significant other?
It seems like, if we are single, we are all too willing to sacrifice some pieces of what we envision as our best life, just to feel some kind of sense of love and belonging. I certainly have done that. In fact, while in one of my most long-term relationships, I sacrificed my perfect financial picture, my ideal home, my spiritual dedication, my community camaraderie, and my health (or at least my safety). Why? Because I felt loved, needed, and important. I had met my relationship goals at the cost of all other dreams. Often, as I watch some of my girlfriends start to date someone new, they ask themselves, “Can I or can I not live with this man?” I hear answers like, “You’ve got to take the good with the bad,” and “No relationship is perfect.” True. But how close to your dream-life are you? And what’s close enough?
While single people are giving-up pieces of their best visions in order to couple, people who are in committed relationships are uncoupling in order to retrieve their claim to their best visions. I am reminded of my parents, who divorced after 23 years of marriage, because they were “very different people.” Not long after their divorce, each of them was spending as much time as they could on the water. My mom was shocked to hear that my dad was sailing in the U.S. Virgin Islands, and my dad was shocked to hear that my mom was sailing to the Dry Tortugas. As it turned out, their lives remained fairly parallel for years after their divorce, because they, apparently, were not as “different,” in their individual concepts of how to live the "most beautiful life" as they had once thought. Of course, focused instead on their day to day struggles, they had never successfully talked about what they both really wanted. (Is anyone else hearing the 1970’s “Pina Colada Song,” right now?)
It would seem, then, that one of the most important things we can do with any partner or potential partner is talk about these visions, these dreams of what life would look like if it could look like anything we choose. I wonder how much less compromising we would do while we were single and dating, if we knew up-front that the person across the table from us was on a completely different dream page. On the other hand, if we knew that our visions of what makes life worth living were parallel, could we overlook the way he holds his fork, or the fact that she has a checkered table cloth on her kitchen table? (Really. These are actual reasons why second dates have not occurred.) And I wonder how much more joy we could experience within our current committed relationships if we knew how many of our dreams were shared. Imagine the synergy of having two distinct people working together toward that perfect-life vision… toward your perfect-life vision!
At the very least, and to avoid certain heartbreak, isn’t it worth asking the question, “What would you be, have and do, if you believed you could be, have and do anything at all?” Of course, if you ask that question you need to be able to answer the question, yourself. So, can you?

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Suddenly, After All

I attended a beautiful wedding yesterday, where two of my favorite people (we’ll call them S and R) vowed to each other, and announced to the world, their mutual promise to love. Marriage may mean different things to different people, but I think the final analysis reveals that two people have decided to be in each other’s corners, to be the one safe place, to have the two ears that will listen when no one else will, for as long as they both shall live. After life has its chance to frustrate, exhaust, and discourage these two people; after the giddiness of the insecurity of a new relationship is gone and the calm surety of a seasoned friendship is what remains; after years of opportunities have presented themselves for these two to experience one another’s basic, human flaws, there will still be that decision to love that remains, because that is the promise.
After S proposed and R said, “Yes!” their wedding date was set. What most surprised everyone in this case was that the ceremony was scheduled for just two months away. “It’s so soon!” “What’s the hurry?” “Don’t you need time to plan?” Speculation abounded, and those who had suffered failed marriages in the past were skeptical. I wonder, though, if we can really say that the process was rushed.
I suppose if the decision to marry was made the day the ring was purchased, or the day the bride accepted, then, maybe, there wasn’t much time in between for planning or being sure. However, that’s not really when these decisions are made, are they? Instead, the decision to love was made every time, over the course of their two-year courtship, that they found out something new. At first, it was simple things: S wears a lot of jewelry… can I love him? R is taking her time about introducing me to her friends… can I love her? Then, as more of their individual personalities were revealed, they had more decision points: S is not always P.C. about his opinions… can I love him? R sometimes gets annoyed when I speak my mind… can I love her?
In the end, there must have been a thousand different times they said, “Yes,” until, finally, they said, “Yes,” in a public forum, in front of their friends and family, in an effort to confirm to the world and the Lord, that they had decided to love. There really was no reason to wait. It wasn’t very sudden at all.
Most of the major decisions we make in this life are like that… made one little step at a time. How our lives are structured, in all of our life areas: career, relationship, health, finance, etc., is a result of a thousand small decisions that either take us toward or away from our dreams. “I want this pair of shoes,” when chosen 25 times, can result in mountains of debt. “I am too tired to discuss my day with my wife,” when chosen 20 days in a row, can result in separation and distance in the relationship that’s hard to mend. Just as, “I will make a point to stop what I am doing and listen to my child when he speaks,” when done consistently, can build self-esteem and engineer strong bonds of trust.
Are you aware of the thousands of little decisions you make every day that are creating your future? If you are going to Live in Joy and create a life that is of your choosing, you need to be. Make a decision of who you want to be when you open your eyes every morning, “I will be loving. I will be available. I will be aware. I will be healthy. I will make financially sound decisions,” for example, and then make choices throughout your day that support your attainment of those dreams. One day, it will feel like your dreams are coming true, suddenly, after all.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Dreams Coming True

Woo-hoo! I have been hired to conduct a Living in Joy workshop by one of the local colleges. It will be my first, official, paid gig as a public speaker. I did the Nashville workshop in August, but that one was a seminar that I organized, myself. This one is different, because I was the one invited, not the one doing the inviting, and that feels like a dream is coming true.
There are a lot of Living in Joy lessons, here, so let me share five of them with you.
1.       Know what you want. It seems obvious, but the next time you are in the middle of something you clearly do NOT want, ask yourself what is it that you DO want? It may surprise you how much easier it is to identify the uncomfortable things and recoil from them, than to imagine the most fabulous things and run toward them.
2.       Talk about it. My dream was to answer the question, “Shelly, how is it you always seem so happy?” and to help other people do that, too. Now, I get to try, because I started talking about it. You might be surprised at how many people are anxious to help you. We love winners. We love seeing people chase dreams and succeed, because it gives us all permission to do the same. And we love to think we are a part of someone else’s dream-living success. Give us the chance.
3.       Go for it. Had I not conducted the Nashville workshop, the organizer at the college would not have known I am available for such things as seminars and workshops. Do you want a promotion? Start managing your current workload while also helping your superior meet his or her goals. Do you want to experience love in your life? Start loving. Do you want to be happier? Just start smiling as if you are already happy. (Actually, “feel good” endorphin hormones are released when your muscles contract in that way, so it really does make you feel happier.)
4.       Appreciate Fear. I wrote a blog around the time of my Nashville seminar wherein I tried to explain how terrifying it felt to put myself out there, exposing my hopes and dreams, and putting myself in a position to fail. It wasn’t easy or fun. However, Fear is that emotion that warns us to prepare. Ultimately, it is meant to act like a flashing light to get us to pay attention to details, not like a closing gate to stand between us and our dreams. Prepare the best you can. Afterwards, make notes of what you can do better the next time. I know there were failure points in my Nashville seminar. The next one will be better. And much less frightening.  
5.       Be content with the fact that dreams are unattainable. Now, I know you thought I would say, “attainable,” but the truth is that once we reach a certain goal of our choosing, we immediately fill it with another one. It’s one of the side-effects of being alive. As long as we are alive, as long as we intend to keep living, we want new experiences, and we keep dreaming bigger, better dreams. It seems that the small successes we have, the bits of reinforcement that we get when we reach a goal, serve only to inspire us. I am very, very excited about this seminar, but I am also aware that this does not mean I’ve reached the finish line. Quite the opposite. I’m barely at the starting gate.
I truly believe that Living in Joy regardless of your circumstances hinges on some of these core concepts. You really can be, have and do anything you want to do in this lifetime, if you will just start by imagining what that might be. I, myself, am imagining very big, full, wonderful things. I hope you are, too! Care to share what they are? You never know who might be reading and need exactly what you hope to do.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Auction Sites

Oh, my goodness! Have you seen this auction site on the web where you bid in real time, and every bid is one penny? Just before the auction closes, bids come sailing in, one click at a time, resetting the clock on the auction to 10 seconds left. It’s positively mesmerizing. 5 seconds left… 4… 3… 2… <click-Bid!> 12 seconds left… 11… 10… 9… Bidding on iPods, Kindles, jewelry, gift cards, etc. It fascinates me. It’s really a matter of stamina and timing. Can you stand to watch the bidding for longer than the next person? Can you use hours of your life, in nine to twelve second increments, watching a clock tick, tick, tick away and have your hand on the mouse, ready to click at the last possible second? The Kindle bid I was watching continued for over two hours, with no real progress, and is still going as I write this. There are people (me included) who literally sat, poised at their computers, for who knows how long?
We really aren’t good at time spent vs. benefit ratios, are we? I hear people all the time say, “I’d love to learn to play the guitar, but it would take me years.” Yes. But what will you do with that time if you don’t spend it learning to do something you would love? Or, “I can’t believe I spent five years in that failed relationship.” Ok. But what would you have done with that same five years, if you hadn’t spent it learning and loving and getting to know yourself better? And really, what are you doing with this year, other than spending a lot of time lamenting what you feel didn’t go your way? How productive are you being with the precious few hours of the living-my-dreams time on earth you have left?
What if you chronicled how you spend your time? Are you engaged in something that matches or moves you closer to all you want to be, have, and do in this life? I recognize that some things are just maintenance… We have to keep the house clean so we can stay healthy, for example. We have to make some kind of a paycheck to keep the electricity flowing to our homes. We have to get physical rest. Other things, though, the quality-of-life choices we make, really should be made consciously and with a clear idea of the most beneficial ways to get to our dreams.
There are ways to spend your time that come with great benefits, and there are ways to dwindle time away, hoping for some kind of free, magical win. Life isn’t structured to give you free, magical wins, even if an online bidding site tells you it is. There’s always a cost-to-benefit ratio. Start thinking of your time spent as a cost, and make sure you’re getting the greatest benefit of moving you toward everything you want to be, have and do in this lifetime. Spend less time worrying about what didn’t go your way, and more time creating the life you could thoroughly enjoy. Spend fewer hours wishing, and more hours making things happen. If you are missing love in your life, love more, by being open, warm, friendly and available. If you are missing a place you feel at home, create a space that is your own by adding things you like to see: flowers, pictures, colorful rugs… invite people to come to see you. If you want a Kindle, work and extra shift or cut the neighbor's lawn. At least those hours are spent helping others, increasing your own experience, and giving you a sense of accomplishment.
There are still people bidding on that same Kindle. In that time, I’ve shared my thoughts with you, reached outside of myself to attempt to strengthen my relationships and understanding of people, and investigated how I have been spending my own time.
I win.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Black Dogs

When I was about three years old, a black Labrador retriever bit me. According to reports from my mother, we were camping, and the dog was tied to a post in the site next to us. At some point, I must have wandered over to pet the doggie (which, as anyone who has ever seen a well-meaning but uncoordinated toddler knows, was probably more like slapping at the dog’s face), and agitated him. At that point, he nipped at me, and tore my ear.
For quite some time after that, I was afraid of all black dogs. As a young child, I had no ability to differentiate size and temperament as disqualifiers for my fear of the dog. Poodles and Dobermans were equal on my list. As I matured, of course, I learned that one black dog, in one particular circumstance, was not a predictor of the behavior of all black dogs. In fact, I even owned a black dog for awhile. This beautiful, black Chow was trained as a hearing dog. She was smart, even tempered, and lovable. I would have missed enjoying an incredible pet, if I would have continued to harbor my fear and prejudice against all black dogs. How grateful I am that my memory of being bitten taught me to avoid agitated, angry, barking, chained, growling things I don’t understand, and not all black dogs!
Thinking of this makes me wonder how many other “black dogs” I have in my past. How many of the other things I avoid, like relationships with coworkers, managers, men, or would-be friends, or stepping out to chase certain dreams, like starting a business, asking for what I want, or living in the moment, are a result of me over-generalizing a particular situation? While it is true that there is a lesson to be learned from failure, pain or stress, and the definition of insanity is to do the same thing and expect different results, I wonder how often I expand that “doing the same thing,” into a grand over-generalization, and get in my own way?
I have started businesses (the black dog) that have failed. Does that mean that I shouldn’t continue to try to build a business from my love of Living in Joy? Or does it just mean that I need to find a way to correct my areas of weakness, like marketing (the growling thing I don’t understand), for example? And how many of these black-dog-generalizations are the voices that strip me of my confidence and ability to persevere?
“You can’t be happy working for someone else. You can’t have the flexible schedule you want. All managers care about are the company rules.”

“Remember the last girl-friend you trusted with all your secrets, and she used them against you? Don’t get close to any women, again. They are all catty and devious.”

I recently read that the “Black Dog,” is a term widely used to refer to depression. I can tell you that these black-dog-generalizations, as I have chosen to call them based on my literal experience with an actual black dog, depress me. I don’t feel joy when I think these things. I don’t feel motivated, or excited, or enthusiastic about life, love or happiness. The good news is: I don’t have to think them. I don’t have to be like the child who misinterprets the real safety message about avoiding growling things as a message to avoid all black coats. I can, instead, view the situation with my adult eyes and see where the threat really is, so that I can mitigate that to the best of my ability. I can take ownership of my contribution to the adverse outcome (I don't slap at dogs on chains, anymore, for example), and stop that behavior. And I can move forward, chasing dreams, and buliding a life of joy.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Update on Love and Belonging

Well, as promised in my last blog on Maslow, I am reporting my well-intentioned but limited success at spreading the feeling of love and belonging, in order to feel more of it, myself.

It turns out that it's quite possible that the reason my Love and Belonging cup is not overflowing is because I am a dork. I did, indeed, go to my women's group. I enthusiastically greeted the first woman to walk into the room. "Hello, Pam*! It's wonderful to see you, again, this week!" She looked at me, trying to smile but missing it, barely, and said, "My name is Paula*."

Oh, brother. This is harder than I want it to be. Maybe just my standard, "Hi, there!" next time. It's not nearly as effective as using names, but surely has to be better than getting a name wrong. Ugh.

(Fortunately, I think she forgave me. I had taken cream-puffs to the meeting. Cream-puffs cure almost any faux pas, if you ask me.)

Have a beautiful Friday!


*The names have been changed to protect the innocent. Intentionally. I actually do know her real name, now.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Maslow

I’ve been spending a lot of time, over the last year or so, thinking about Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and our societal and personal ills. For those of you who may have forgotten your Psych 101 course, Maslow’s Hierarchy is a life map that acknowledges that certain needs must be met before others can be fulfilled. In order of priority, physical needs must be met first. We need air, water and food, for example, before we need great poetry. The sum of our lives, then, is presumably spent climbing up that pyramid of needs. We seek food, water and air, and once relatively certain that we have those things available, we seek Safety and Security… shelter, job security, etc. The next need we seek to fulfill, after Safety and Security needs are met, is the need for Love and Belonging.
It seems to me that, as a society, living in America, we have physical and safety needs largely met. Although there are exceptions to the rule, we are no longer hunting for food and afraid of starving to death if there is a 45 day drought. We are no longer living in the early industrial age, for example, where even showing up to work posed a serious threat to our safety. As a whole, we are now trying to find our way through the Love and Belonging stage. We want to feel special. We want to feel loved. We want to feel love for those around us. We want to feel as though we belong… to a team, to a family, to a partner. We want to have found our place where we “fit-in.”
Maslow’s theory has some holes in it, and, certainly, there are critics who point-out that we vacillate between stages more than we conquer one and move to the other. That said, if I accept the theory at face value, I can see how a lot of our societal ills are a manifestation of our attempts to conquer this stage. If you think about people who stay in relationships that aren’t healthy, or teens who join gangs, or young people engaging in promiscuous behaviors, for example, you might be able to see how these behaviors are simply ill-fated attempts to feel Love and Belonging. Even our skyrocketing divorce rates can be a reflection of this, as people are leaving relationships or having affairs. No longer are people satisfied, staying in relationships in order to keep bills paid. We need more than safety and security. We need to feel loved, cherished and appreciated.  
My good friend and counselor, Monte King, addressed this in the Living in Joy workshop last month. He talked about how we are going to wells that are just as dry as our own, looking to spouses and lovers who are as stressed as we are, as exhausted as we are, as needy as we are, and hoping that they will fill us up. We are bound to be disappointed. Even when we look to prayer, or meditation, or a power greater than ourselves (I call Him, “God”), we sometimes have difficulty actually feeling loved. We can know we are loved, or believe we are loved, or have faith that we are loved, but actually feeling loved and like we belong is very different. So, what are we to do?
It may disappoint you to know that I don’t have the perfect answer. I do, however, have a theory. I know that when I gossip about others, I start to suspect they are gossiping about me. I know that if I dislike others, I am certain they dislike me. I know that if I am unfaithful or lying, I imagine others are unfaithful and lying to me, as well. If this “Freudian Projection,” as it is called in psychological circles, happens with negative emotions and behaviors, then doesn’t it follow that it would also happen with positive ones? Like love, and feeling like we belong, for example?
Can we, as part of our learning and mastering of the Love and Belonging level of Maslow’s Hierarchy, intentionally find things to love about others and accept others, in order to feel our own sense of Love and Belonging? Can we forgive the times that they do not show us love and acceptance, and just love them, anyway? And can we stop looking for ways and reasons that others do not belong in our circles or at our workplaces or in our families, and start celebrating all of the reasons to accept them, open-armed, and with a loving heart?
It sounds absurdly challenging to me. So, this week, I am going to do two things: First, I am going to go back to the women’s group to which I didn’t feel much like I belonged, and engage myself by making an effort to help everyone else feel welcome. Second, I am going to show love and acceptance to some person I feel “deserves it” least. I am going to have a conversation and actually listen. I am going to smile, and greet them warmly, and I am going to tell them, “Thank you,” for something I might not normally notice.
Want to try it with me? I’d love to hear how it goes for you. J I’ll report back, too. Have a great week!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

"Maid in Manhattan," and Truth

I just finished watching “Maid in Manhattan.” Cute movie. I always like Cinderella tales, however unbelievable. Have you seen it? One of my favorite lines in the movie is said when the heroine (played by Jennifer Lopez) has just been fired, and her mentor, the very wise butler (played by Bob Hoskins), walks to the security window just behind her and returns his badge, as well. Jennifer’s character is aghast, thinking that her behavior has resulted in him losing his job. As she is apologizing profusely, he tells her that he did not get fired, he quit. He then states,
“Sometimes we are forced into directions we ought to have found ourselves.”
Although I love that quote, although I appreciate its wisdom, although I applaud that “life” is structured in such a way as to, periodically, save us from ourselves, I also know that this particular concept can make us feel vulnerable and victimized. It is true that other people’s choices, or even the unforeseen consequences of our own, sometimes propel us into new directions. Friends move away, lovers grow bored and stop calling, companies downsize, rains bury homes in water… And it all feels as if it’s happening “to us,” not of our own accord, and certainly not “for us,” like some cosmic plan for our future delight. However, as someone who vehimently believes that we can be, have and do anything we choose in this life, I harbor a general distaste for all such feelings of vulnerability and victimization.
“Why is this happening to me?” is not generally a cry I endorse. I believe that it smothers our awareness of our own power: the power to choose the most amazing and delightful life we can imagine; and leaves us feeling punished, hurt, and terrified of what, out of our control, might be the blow that ends us. (Dramatic? Sure. But then, in these times, we feel just that overwhelmed, do we not?)
What if, however, instead of avoiding all of those feelings and stifling that lament, I recognize them as also being a part of the richest tastes and textures life has to offer? The questions then become, do I have the courage to feel those helpless, vulnerable feelings, swim in them, and let them nearly drown me? Will I have the fortitude, afterwards, to climb back out of the pit, taking the lessons of that experience with me, and resume my joyful life? Or will I find that it is a Devil’s Triangle, from which I can never return, and I am forever scarred and broken? And wouldn’t, given the general message I try to convey in my writings and seminars, crying out, “Why me? Why now? Why this?” be rather hypocritical of me?
Does my “Living in Joy” premise demand that I am never to feel defeated or desperate? That I am somehow wiser than to succumb to the desire to curl up into a ball, sit in a corner, and sob? I don’t think so. I think, in fact, that my point is exactly the opposite: that remaining in touch with your joy demands that you live honestly. When you're hurt, you cry. When you're happy, you dance. The joy is not found in avoiding pain. It is found in knowing that the places of suffering in which we find ourselves are not black holes from which there is no escape.
So, today, I will wallow in the suffering. And tomorrow (or sometime soon), I will sing. And I give myself permission to do both. After all, as the wise butler in the movie also said,

“What defines us is how well we rise after falling,” which, indeed, requires an initial decent.
Isn’t it amazing that even the most frivolous of tales can remind us of some of the greatest Truths?

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This weeks blog is in honor of those affected by 9-11-2001 who found the courage to wade into their sorrow, and then learn to swim, that they might reach the other side. Never will we be the same. Never will we forget. Always, we will send our love to you, that you might find the joy in knowing that there is life after... 
   

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Self-Centered

I read a Post-it Note cartoon the other day that said something like, “I’m tired of all of these people, always thinking of themselves. They need to be thinking about me.” (Thank you, Carrie!)
That makes me chuckle, because when something points out a ridiculous attitude and I see myself, I just have to shake my head. How often I am thinking that very thing, though I haven’t, until now, really recognized it! I’m busy. I’m exhausted. I’m trying my best. I’m overworked. I’m hungry. I’m not feeling valued. I’m not getting what I want. I, I and I. I am so aware, and somewhat annoyed, when people around me are thinking only of themselves: complaining about what their problems are, what they aren’t getting, what they wish would be different. I think to myself, “Quit complaining,” and then I tell them what my problem-of-the-day is, because I need them to think about me. Oh, the contradiction of being at once offended by self-centeredness in others and completely unaware of it in ourselves.
Ptolemy, a second century mathematician modeled the organization of the universe with earth as its center. He was certain all other stars and planets revolved around us, and he could, with some certainty, “prove” it. Americans have often been criticized by other country’s citizens for our lack of cultural and ecological awareness. Infants, developmentally speaking, cannot fathom any other people having any calling but to feed them, clothe them, and hold them. In the same way that we learned the earth is not the center of the universe, that we have a world-wide ecological obligation and an obligation to recognize the merit and beauty of different cultures, and that others are not in existence only to answer our cries, at some point we have to recognize that others are also busy, exhausted, trying their best, overworked, hungry, and feeling devalued.
It is an interesting feeling to become consciously aware of this. Since I have decided to monitor this, I have discovered how often I am focused on putting out my own fires, dealing with my own situations. I can almost feel myself resisting the notion that other people are truly doing their best, given their stressful lives and personal issues. I hear that voice in my head tell me that people who are not helpful, who give me cold French fries through the drive-through, who leave me on hold for ten minutes only to disconnect, are unprofessional, or lazy, or careless. I lament more often than I would like to admit, “Customer service! Whatever happened to basic customer service?”
Another interesting thing happens, however, when I place the lens of how I see myself, (overworked, tired, trying to do my best, frustrated to fall short, and exhausted) over others. Sure the guy who cut me off in traffic has his mind on other things… I hope he gets them handled. Of course the girl who can’t refund my money at the check-out lane seems incapable… corporate rules tie her hands. And if I am wrong when I invent a gracious reason for my being “mistreated,” or inconvenienced, so what? I feel better when I find my patience than when I’m scowling at what I perceive as ineptitude.
I really do think that people are basically the same, and that means that they are basically good, well-meaning, hard working, struggling people. And, although it’s hard to remember that concept when I’m discouraged that they don’t have my needs at the top of their priority list, I’m going to try to do better. In fact, on the days when I don’t feel particularly overwhelmed or discouraged, I’m going to try to put someone else at the top of my priority list, even above myself, because I’m sure, someone, somewhere is thinking: “I’m tired of her thinking about herself all the time. She needs to be thinking about me.” J

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Daydreaming

If you’ve been reading my blog, regularly, you know I like to travel. So, as usual, I am sitting in an airport, and am once again, inspired. As I am sitting at my gate, patiently waiting for my delayed plane to land and allow us to board, a family has now sat down beside me. The mother, I presume, straggled behind the others, limping, and using a cane in an attempt to steady herself. She was unsuccessful at being wholly steady, but she had made it to the gate, nonetheless, and with no help from her family members.
I was thinking that the family should have been more aware of her, instead of giving no thought to her struggling behind them while they walked 20 paces ahead... I was thinking that she was unfortunate to be limping. I wondered if she was in pain. I worried that she might fall, and I hoped that she wouldn’t. I moved my book, pointedly making room for her in a closer spot than her family chose, and looking at her with an inviting “please feel free to sit here,” expression.
As I looked up at her with some bit of compassion and sympathy for her plight, she sat beside me and smiled. “This looks like a good spot for daydreaming,” she said, smiling even more broadly, adjusting herself in her chair and resting her cane between the two of us. In that moment, she became my hero, and my example. She wasn’t thinking any of those limiting thoughts I had cast on her. She was focused on new ideas. No wonder her family paid no mind to the limitations I saw. She paid no mind to them, either.
 “Argue for a limitations, and sure enough, they’re yours.” – Richard Bach
“Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you are right.” – Henry Ford
These are quotes that govern much of my thought. I try to remember and teach that we can be, have, and do absolutely anything we choose. I am completely aware that my thoughts of my own limitations restrict me, unnecessarily. I wonder, though, about what we think others can do. How much of our perception of others’ limitations influence their abilities, their courage, and their determination?
As a nurse, I am careful to guard my words and keep them positive and encouraging, but my thoughts are not always congruent with that. Perhaps I need to guard my thoughts and perceptions as well. It seems plausible that we may just have a moral, social obligation to see the potential in someone and not focus on the apparent infirmity. If we could all see what others can do, instead of feeling pity for what they cannot, (or seemingly cannot), would we subconsciously send an encouraging message? Would our expressions enable them? Would our posture and our offering of opportunities change for the better?
Of course, always looking for the best seems like ignoring the obvious, or minimizing the potential for difficulties, or living in a dream world instead of the real world. But, hey. I’ve heard this is a good spot for daydreaming.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Watch This!

Have you ever noticed how children face challenges? Is it because everything is new to them that they are so undaunted? With a gleeful shout of, “Hey, mom! Watch me!” they commence conquering whatever challenge looms before them. If they fail, they put a finger in the air. “Wait. Watch, mom. Are you watching?” and they try again. When they succeed, they throw their hands in the air, smile brightly, and sing, “Ta-Daaaa!” wearing a smile as wide as their faces.
I wonder when we lose that… Or do we?
Our unit at the hospital is short-staffed. What that means is that stress levels are higher than ever, as conscientious nurses continue to provide exceptional care despite heavier workloads. What is possibly worse is that higher stress levels create a snowball effect, because the nurses we do have succumb to weariness and call-out more often, resulting in even fewer staff available and, yes, even heavier workloads than the ones already increased. I have heard, recently, some of my friends on the unit describe themselves as feeling like “half a nurse,” because they just cannot get everything done they want to do in one shift’s time.  And these feelings are not exclusive to nurses working on a short-staffed unit. Some of us live in this “half a (something)” zone, and have been living in it for some time.
It is at these times when advice like, “take time for yourself,” and “remain in touch with your joy,” seem like hollow mantras meant for those bestowed with the luxury of, well, time and joy. How do you take time for yourself when you have more to do in less time than ever? How do you remain in touch with joy when the only feelings you can sense are ones of frustration, exhaustion, and inadequacy?
Simplify? That’s one solution. Aspire to have a home more like an ashram in Tibet than a three story, dog-filled, television-blaring, suburban refuge for teens and tots. But, no. That doesn’t work. Because the truth is that we like our homes full of that kind of chaos. As for our jobs… we like them to challenge us, force us to the edge of our personal limitations, and test our fortitude. As much as we might complain, these are our lives. Heavy workloads, huge challenges, financial stressors. And these are our lives because this is how we like them to look. Like the children we once were, we like facing challenges. We like the fulfillment of a good workout, the feeling of success when we meet our deadlines, and the relief that comes when the stress is lifted, if only for a moment. We like to share with our friends what difficulties we faced (“Hey, mom! Watch this!”), and laugh with our families about when we stumbled, but returned to our feet (“Wait. Watch, mom. Are you watching?”). These are the things that build our self-esteem and make us proud. These are the things we use as examples, later. These are the things that give us cause to celebrate. “Ta-daaaa!”
So, maybe the next time you are in the middle of everything that is stressing you, exhausting you, or making you feel like “half a ______ (fill in the blank: nurse, manager, wife, father, leader, etc.),” the key to remaining in touch with your joy is remembering that you once were a child. And like the child you once were, you still want to be shown your current limits so that you can push past them. And you CAN push past them, and do more than you thought you could do. No, I don’t think we’ve ever lost the childlike ability to face challenges. Maybe the only thing we’re missing is “Hey! Watch this!” and “Ta-Daaaa!”  

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Surprises

Why do we laugh at streakers? Delight in big, red bow adorned packages left at our doorsteps? Find amusement in punch lines that we don’t expect? And rave about the little, run-down, dingy, mom & pop diner that has the most incredible tiramisu in all the land? I think it’s because, deep down, we find that joy bubbles up easily through surprises. As I get older, I think I enjoy them even more than I did when I was a child. Maybe that’s because when I was a child, everything was new, and now, experiencing something I don’t expect is rare. That, in itself, makes a surprise even more surprising, doesn’t it?
I know people who say they don’t like surprises. Maybe it’s because their experience with surprises is something like, “I didn’t expect my wife to cheat on me,” or “My father died so suddenly…” or “I assumed I’d retire from this plant, and they announced today that they are closing the doors.” These are not the surprises that inspire joy at all, of course, but should we allow these things to prejudice us against all surprises?
Perhaps it’s a question of ratios. Maybe people who still delight in surprises have experienced more good than bad surprises, and those who hate surprises have experienced the opposite. I wonder if we could make a point of stacking the deck in favor of surprises. What if we concentrated on surprising one person each day. Maybe we send a greeting card to someone who hasn’t heard from us in awhile. Or, answer our personal phone with, “Thank you, so much, for calling! I’m feeling fabulous, today, how are you feeling?”
It really doesn’t matter how we do it. I just think it might be more fun to think about surprises if most of them were of this joy-inspiring variety. If the fun surprises start to outnumber the not-so-fun ones, maybe we could remove that little bit of apprehension and dread that some of us feel when we think of being surprised.
Plus, you, the surprise-er, would get to hear, “Oooo, what a nice surprise!”
And then: Oh, LOOK! There is joy! Bubbling up for both of you from right in the middle of a surprise.
    

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Jumping

Well, this was the week of the first Living in Joy Seminar and Workshop. Of course, I have to take a minute in my blog to thank everyone who came, and everyone who, though they were not able to attend, wished me well in my first attempt to live one of my life-visions. I am truly overwhelmed at the support and encouragement that I received throughout the entire process! You are all such a blessing to me, it's no wonder I live a life in touch with my joy!

I have to admit, though, that completing this workshop it wasn't easy for me. In fact, there were a couple of times that I wished I had not given myself so much time between when I announced the seminar and the actual date of the event. I was trying to be a very thoughtful planner, but during that time span, I nearly cancelled three times, thinking that I would reschedule the date for a time when I would be more prepared. The truth is I was never going to be more prepared than I was on Wednesday. Not because I was so perfectly ready, or because I had every resource I thought I might need, or even because I had so many people attending. I would never be more prepared, because I am a Jumper.

There are people who are Waders, and people who are Jumpers. Waders walk toward the water, assessing, preparing, taking off their shoes and rolling up their pant legs. They are looking for stingrays and jellyfish, and anything else that might be a threat. They have a towel with them and have secured their valuables on land. When they put their toes in the water, they are fairly well assured that they will be able to play and splash and enjoy in peace. They are brilliant, in my estimation, and very often have the most pleasant wading experiences. I sometimes wish I was a Wader.

But I am not. I have the most difficult time making it into the water using this method. I get distracted by the idea of stopping for ice cream, or imagining there are sharks just out of my line of site. I think maybe I should wait until I'm wearing shorts... or better yet, a swim suit. I might touch my toes to the water and decide it’s too cold, or worry about what to do after my feet are wet and I’m walking to the car, sand sticking to them all the way. Given the chance to think, there are so many reasons to quit! If I expect to make it into the water, I have to run as fast as I can and jump off the end of the pier. I’ll figure out the rest once I’m in the water.  

I don't think there is anything wrong with being either a Wader or a Jumper, and none of us are able to assess for another which method is best. The world is full of Waders who have been talked into jumping. Had they planned, they might have been very successful and happy in the journey. Instead, they nearly drown, because Waders who jump don't adapt well and never really recover. On the other hand, there are also plenty of Jumpers who have been cautioned to wade. Jumpers who wade, get stuck in the planning, in all the reasons not to do something, virtually paralyzed by fears, and never move forward.

So, I ask you, today...  Are you a Wader or a Jumper? There’s nothing wrong with planning every detail, provided you continue to move forward. If you get stuck in the planning, however, that’s a sure sign you are a Jumper who is trying to be a Wader. The only cure for that is to set aside your excuses, which you’ve cleverly disguised as reasons why you can’t, and just go for it. Don’t worry. Jumpers are experts at adjusting.

To all of my first-ever seminar attendees: thank you for letting me, the Jumper, finally quit talking about what I want to do, wading around in the ideas and planning stages, and just jump.

 And to all Jumpers trying to be Waders: just jump in, the water’s fine!

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Air Conditioners

The Law of Attraction states that positive thoughts and words bring about positive results, and negative thoughts and words bring about negative results. I am not entirely convinced of this Law, in that I don’t believe that I can cause a plane to crash by imagining it in a fiery ball falling out of the sky. Still, I have noticed that when I focus my own attitude on positive outcomes and what I want to achieve instead of negative outcomes and what I fear might happen, I have better results.  
Case in point… My air conditioner was not keeping up last week. In the 100 degree Tennessee heat, my apartment would not cool below 80, and the air conditioner was running 24/7. Unaware that it is, apparently, unreasonable to expect an AC unit to cool inside air more than 20 degrees below outside temperature, I was convinced my AC was broken. My maintenance man assured me the unit was fine, which only served to frustrate me.
“I might as well go home and roast,” I would say. “My air conditioner is broken.” Sure enough, I was too hot, and my air conditioner seemed to not work. Even in the early morning hours, when the outside temperature was cooler, I would get up and look at my thermostat thinking, “I don’t care what my maintenance man says. This thing is broken.” And my thermostat would say the house was 78, instead of the 74 I was trying to achieve. I was so negative, and irritated, and frustrated, that I couldn’t even be nice to my maintenance man, though he had been quick to check my AC for anything he could fix.
Want to know what happened, next? My water heater broke.  
It made me laugh. “Of course my water heater broke,” I thought. “I’ve been doing nothing but complaining about how things around here don’t work. My focus on the negative couldn’t help but bring more negativity.”
I don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t found my sense of humor. Maybe they wouldn’t have been able to fix the water heater the very next day, or maybe the temperature outside wouldn’t have cooled enough to allow my AC to work, again, or maybe I would have gone out to find that my car wouldn’t start, because “when it rains, it pours.” Or, maybe everything would have been fixed the next day, just like it was. What I do know is that finding my sense of humor allowed me to sleep more peacefully than when I was aggravated, and that I felt better the next day chuckling at the irony of a hot house and a cold shower than I had felt the day before, grumbling at the ineptitude of my AC condenser.
Whether thinking positively actually has an effect on the world around me, or just on my own perspective, I can definitely say that thinking positively brings about more positive results for me than being negative. If that’s the essence of the Law of Attraction at work, then I believe it. And just in case it also works to “bring about what we talk about,” the way the metaphysicists say it does, I’m going to quit complaining about looking old and getting fat.