Living In Joy

Sunday, October 30, 2011

The iPod

I got my mom an iPod for her birthday. I think it’s a great solution for her. She loves music, but continues to buy entire CD’s for one, favorite song. Then, she has to ask her tech-savvy friends to burn those “one songs,” onto some sort of compilation disc, so she can have those songs in her car. I figure, if I can help her set it up, the iPod is going to be her very favorite gift of all time. Music. What better gift than music for a woman who still does The Pony in her own living room?
This was my hope. As soon as I got the gadget into my car, however, I started second guessing. Actually, there was a point at which I could picture myself handing her the neatly wrapped package and saying, “Happy birthday, Mom. This year, I got you a giant argument between you and me,” because I suspected my mom might look at the tiny music player with the confusing selection wheel, and immediately get discouraged. If she did, then no matter how easy I tried to make it sound, she would set her jaw and say, “I can’t use that thing.” To which I would respond, “Yes, you can! See? It’s easy!” She would pretend to look, but not hear a word of my instruction, if that happened. Gosh. I could only hope she didn’t get discouraged before we began.
Now, you might be thinking, “Why would you give your mother a gift she’s going to hate?” And my answer would be, “Because after she gets done hating it, I know she’s going to love it!” How do I know this? Because I am my mother. And I hate change, and new ideas, and feeling like I don’t understand. I want to know how to do everything, and be really good at it, before anyone sees me struggling. (It’s one of the reasons I don’t take Zumba classes. I hate to be the one flailing in the back row.) At the same time, however, I know, from past experience, that if I just stop resisting things, if I stop pushing and rushing and trying to get to the end, if I stop hating the situation or process, it won’t be long before I love it.
I had a nursing school instructor inform me that her entire intention was to keep me off balance, challenge me, and push me, and that, if I didn’t feel uncomfortable, she couldn’t teach me everything I needed to know. She said I would hate learning, but that I would love nursing. As soon as she explained that she expected me to feel incapable and clueless, the discomfort was, somehow, easier to manage. I had been given the faith I needed to trust that the sick feeling I got for being flung around the “learning curve” would end. And after it ended, I would have the benefit of relief, new knowledge, and experience. And I would be free, only then, to enjoy applying what I had learned.
So, this week, I want to ask you if you are resisting, fighting back, or closing your mind to something new and uncomfortable. Not everything uncomfortable is something that should be avoided. In fact, more often than not, it’s something that could, if given the chance, be something you love. I hope my mom sees it that way. You know? I really should learn to do The Pony with her in her living room, or take a Zumba class when I get back to Nashville… Even if I have to flail a little, at first.   

Sunday, October 23, 2011

The Pina Colada Song

This week, I’ve been thinking about life visions and how they affect our romantic relationships. (I know. You’re shocked that I want to revisit this relationship thing, aren’t you?) Single or not, there exist perils that threaten our best opportunities to Live in Relationship-Joy. Given that none of my single friends seem to be any happier than any of my long-term, married friends, and vice-versa, my question is: is there any way to ensure that we experience our own best-life-we-can-imagine, either with or without a significant other?
It seems like, if we are single, we are all too willing to sacrifice some pieces of what we envision as our best life, just to feel some kind of sense of love and belonging. I certainly have done that. In fact, while in one of my most long-term relationships, I sacrificed my perfect financial picture, my ideal home, my spiritual dedication, my community camaraderie, and my health (or at least my safety). Why? Because I felt loved, needed, and important. I had met my relationship goals at the cost of all other dreams. Often, as I watch some of my girlfriends start to date someone new, they ask themselves, “Can I or can I not live with this man?” I hear answers like, “You’ve got to take the good with the bad,” and “No relationship is perfect.” True. But how close to your dream-life are you? And what’s close enough?
While single people are giving-up pieces of their best visions in order to couple, people who are in committed relationships are uncoupling in order to retrieve their claim to their best visions. I am reminded of my parents, who divorced after 23 years of marriage, because they were “very different people.” Not long after their divorce, each of them was spending as much time as they could on the water. My mom was shocked to hear that my dad was sailing in the U.S. Virgin Islands, and my dad was shocked to hear that my mom was sailing to the Dry Tortugas. As it turned out, their lives remained fairly parallel for years after their divorce, because they, apparently, were not as “different,” in their individual concepts of how to live the "most beautiful life" as they had once thought. Of course, focused instead on their day to day struggles, they had never successfully talked about what they both really wanted. (Is anyone else hearing the 1970’s “Pina Colada Song,” right now?)
It would seem, then, that one of the most important things we can do with any partner or potential partner is talk about these visions, these dreams of what life would look like if it could look like anything we choose. I wonder how much less compromising we would do while we were single and dating, if we knew up-front that the person across the table from us was on a completely different dream page. On the other hand, if we knew that our visions of what makes life worth living were parallel, could we overlook the way he holds his fork, or the fact that she has a checkered table cloth on her kitchen table? (Really. These are actual reasons why second dates have not occurred.) And I wonder how much more joy we could experience within our current committed relationships if we knew how many of our dreams were shared. Imagine the synergy of having two distinct people working together toward that perfect-life vision… toward your perfect-life vision!
At the very least, and to avoid certain heartbreak, isn’t it worth asking the question, “What would you be, have and do, if you believed you could be, have and do anything at all?” Of course, if you ask that question you need to be able to answer the question, yourself. So, can you?

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Suddenly, After All

I attended a beautiful wedding yesterday, where two of my favorite people (we’ll call them S and R) vowed to each other, and announced to the world, their mutual promise to love. Marriage may mean different things to different people, but I think the final analysis reveals that two people have decided to be in each other’s corners, to be the one safe place, to have the two ears that will listen when no one else will, for as long as they both shall live. After life has its chance to frustrate, exhaust, and discourage these two people; after the giddiness of the insecurity of a new relationship is gone and the calm surety of a seasoned friendship is what remains; after years of opportunities have presented themselves for these two to experience one another’s basic, human flaws, there will still be that decision to love that remains, because that is the promise.
After S proposed and R said, “Yes!” their wedding date was set. What most surprised everyone in this case was that the ceremony was scheduled for just two months away. “It’s so soon!” “What’s the hurry?” “Don’t you need time to plan?” Speculation abounded, and those who had suffered failed marriages in the past were skeptical. I wonder, though, if we can really say that the process was rushed.
I suppose if the decision to marry was made the day the ring was purchased, or the day the bride accepted, then, maybe, there wasn’t much time in between for planning or being sure. However, that’s not really when these decisions are made, are they? Instead, the decision to love was made every time, over the course of their two-year courtship, that they found out something new. At first, it was simple things: S wears a lot of jewelry… can I love him? R is taking her time about introducing me to her friends… can I love her? Then, as more of their individual personalities were revealed, they had more decision points: S is not always P.C. about his opinions… can I love him? R sometimes gets annoyed when I speak my mind… can I love her?
In the end, there must have been a thousand different times they said, “Yes,” until, finally, they said, “Yes,” in a public forum, in front of their friends and family, in an effort to confirm to the world and the Lord, that they had decided to love. There really was no reason to wait. It wasn’t very sudden at all.
Most of the major decisions we make in this life are like that… made one little step at a time. How our lives are structured, in all of our life areas: career, relationship, health, finance, etc., is a result of a thousand small decisions that either take us toward or away from our dreams. “I want this pair of shoes,” when chosen 25 times, can result in mountains of debt. “I am too tired to discuss my day with my wife,” when chosen 20 days in a row, can result in separation and distance in the relationship that’s hard to mend. Just as, “I will make a point to stop what I am doing and listen to my child when he speaks,” when done consistently, can build self-esteem and engineer strong bonds of trust.
Are you aware of the thousands of little decisions you make every day that are creating your future? If you are going to Live in Joy and create a life that is of your choosing, you need to be. Make a decision of who you want to be when you open your eyes every morning, “I will be loving. I will be available. I will be aware. I will be healthy. I will make financially sound decisions,” for example, and then make choices throughout your day that support your attainment of those dreams. One day, it will feel like your dreams are coming true, suddenly, after all.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Dreams Coming True

Woo-hoo! I have been hired to conduct a Living in Joy workshop by one of the local colleges. It will be my first, official, paid gig as a public speaker. I did the Nashville workshop in August, but that one was a seminar that I organized, myself. This one is different, because I was the one invited, not the one doing the inviting, and that feels like a dream is coming true.
There are a lot of Living in Joy lessons, here, so let me share five of them with you.
1.       Know what you want. It seems obvious, but the next time you are in the middle of something you clearly do NOT want, ask yourself what is it that you DO want? It may surprise you how much easier it is to identify the uncomfortable things and recoil from them, than to imagine the most fabulous things and run toward them.
2.       Talk about it. My dream was to answer the question, “Shelly, how is it you always seem so happy?” and to help other people do that, too. Now, I get to try, because I started talking about it. You might be surprised at how many people are anxious to help you. We love winners. We love seeing people chase dreams and succeed, because it gives us all permission to do the same. And we love to think we are a part of someone else’s dream-living success. Give us the chance.
3.       Go for it. Had I not conducted the Nashville workshop, the organizer at the college would not have known I am available for such things as seminars and workshops. Do you want a promotion? Start managing your current workload while also helping your superior meet his or her goals. Do you want to experience love in your life? Start loving. Do you want to be happier? Just start smiling as if you are already happy. (Actually, “feel good” endorphin hormones are released when your muscles contract in that way, so it really does make you feel happier.)
4.       Appreciate Fear. I wrote a blog around the time of my Nashville seminar wherein I tried to explain how terrifying it felt to put myself out there, exposing my hopes and dreams, and putting myself in a position to fail. It wasn’t easy or fun. However, Fear is that emotion that warns us to prepare. Ultimately, it is meant to act like a flashing light to get us to pay attention to details, not like a closing gate to stand between us and our dreams. Prepare the best you can. Afterwards, make notes of what you can do better the next time. I know there were failure points in my Nashville seminar. The next one will be better. And much less frightening.  
5.       Be content with the fact that dreams are unattainable. Now, I know you thought I would say, “attainable,” but the truth is that once we reach a certain goal of our choosing, we immediately fill it with another one. It’s one of the side-effects of being alive. As long as we are alive, as long as we intend to keep living, we want new experiences, and we keep dreaming bigger, better dreams. It seems that the small successes we have, the bits of reinforcement that we get when we reach a goal, serve only to inspire us. I am very, very excited about this seminar, but I am also aware that this does not mean I’ve reached the finish line. Quite the opposite. I’m barely at the starting gate.
I truly believe that Living in Joy regardless of your circumstances hinges on some of these core concepts. You really can be, have and do anything you want to do in this lifetime, if you will just start by imagining what that might be. I, myself, am imagining very big, full, wonderful things. I hope you are, too! Care to share what they are? You never know who might be reading and need exactly what you hope to do.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Auction Sites

Oh, my goodness! Have you seen this auction site on the web where you bid in real time, and every bid is one penny? Just before the auction closes, bids come sailing in, one click at a time, resetting the clock on the auction to 10 seconds left. It’s positively mesmerizing. 5 seconds left… 4… 3… 2… <click-Bid!> 12 seconds left… 11… 10… 9… Bidding on iPods, Kindles, jewelry, gift cards, etc. It fascinates me. It’s really a matter of stamina and timing. Can you stand to watch the bidding for longer than the next person? Can you use hours of your life, in nine to twelve second increments, watching a clock tick, tick, tick away and have your hand on the mouse, ready to click at the last possible second? The Kindle bid I was watching continued for over two hours, with no real progress, and is still going as I write this. There are people (me included) who literally sat, poised at their computers, for who knows how long?
We really aren’t good at time spent vs. benefit ratios, are we? I hear people all the time say, “I’d love to learn to play the guitar, but it would take me years.” Yes. But what will you do with that time if you don’t spend it learning to do something you would love? Or, “I can’t believe I spent five years in that failed relationship.” Ok. But what would you have done with that same five years, if you hadn’t spent it learning and loving and getting to know yourself better? And really, what are you doing with this year, other than spending a lot of time lamenting what you feel didn’t go your way? How productive are you being with the precious few hours of the living-my-dreams time on earth you have left?
What if you chronicled how you spend your time? Are you engaged in something that matches or moves you closer to all you want to be, have, and do in this life? I recognize that some things are just maintenance… We have to keep the house clean so we can stay healthy, for example. We have to make some kind of a paycheck to keep the electricity flowing to our homes. We have to get physical rest. Other things, though, the quality-of-life choices we make, really should be made consciously and with a clear idea of the most beneficial ways to get to our dreams.
There are ways to spend your time that come with great benefits, and there are ways to dwindle time away, hoping for some kind of free, magical win. Life isn’t structured to give you free, magical wins, even if an online bidding site tells you it is. There’s always a cost-to-benefit ratio. Start thinking of your time spent as a cost, and make sure you’re getting the greatest benefit of moving you toward everything you want to be, have and do in this lifetime. Spend less time worrying about what didn’t go your way, and more time creating the life you could thoroughly enjoy. Spend fewer hours wishing, and more hours making things happen. If you are missing love in your life, love more, by being open, warm, friendly and available. If you are missing a place you feel at home, create a space that is your own by adding things you like to see: flowers, pictures, colorful rugs… invite people to come to see you. If you want a Kindle, work and extra shift or cut the neighbor's lawn. At least those hours are spent helping others, increasing your own experience, and giving you a sense of accomplishment.
There are still people bidding on that same Kindle. In that time, I’ve shared my thoughts with you, reached outside of myself to attempt to strengthen my relationships and understanding of people, and investigated how I have been spending my own time.
I win.