Less with More

Less with More

I have some friends who are still in their 20’s & 30’s. They help me remember optimism. When I was that young (and that old), I remember that I had the clarity to realize that the world held every opportunity and that I was completely equipped to take advantage of all of them. I was aware that any decision I made could be reversed if it wasn’t right for me. I could scrap a career and start over, if I wanted. I could have a relationship, decide it wasn’t working, and walk away. Somewhere after I turned 40, however, that perception changed. I started to evaluate myself in a different way, believing that my choices were now more limited, that I needed to have been more “settled” by now, that I needed to have used all of the gifts with which I have been blessed in some more meaningful way. I felt somewhat ashamed to have not made a larger contribution to the world than I had, given that I am so advantaged.

When I shared these thoughts with a friend of mine, he said, “I know what you mean! I’ve done less with more than anybody I know!”

Although he was at least half joking, that statement exactly summarized how I felt. In fact, I wonder if it’s not exactly that sentiment that describes many of our mid-life insecurities, as we scrutinize where we have been, what we have done or not done, and where we may have fallen short. Most of us have been blessed beyond measure with talent, opportunity, kindness, friendships, education, and other advantages too numerous to mention. On some level, we recognize that and cannot believe we haven’t accomplished more. We may also see some of the things that we perceive have held us back in some way, and we have resentments that we may not know how to reconcile or forgive. It’s a constant balancing act between the self-chastising that comes from knowing we “could have, but didn’t” and the victim-thinking of, “if only [someone or something] wouldn’t have sabotaged my efforts.”

I also have some friends who are now in their 50’s & 60’s. They, too, help me remember optimism. They talk to me about their own struggle with this balancing act of self-recrimination and evaluation, and how they have now forgiven themselves and others. They have become settled in their own skin. They have recognized that life is not something that should be evaluated as something we should have “won” by now. They seem to accept that there is always more to be done, that there are always dreams to chase, that there are always going to be limiting factors and road blocks that can be either navigated or removed, and that navigating or removing them is always a choice. My friends who have made it through this challenge of looking around and saying, “Oh! I should have done [something] by now,” and then saying, “It’s ok. I have. And I have not. And I am still alive, so I am still living,” are my inspiration. 

Because I have these friends, the younger ones who inspire me to be wide-eyed and excited about what the world has to offer, the “my-age” friends who “get me,” and the things that vex me, and my older friends who teach me to enjoy the relaxed comfort of settling into my own life and stride, I think I might just avert my “Mid-Life Crisis,” and simply have a mid-life. And today I have recognized that, of all of the “more,” I’ve been given, the most important of these things has been these diverse friends who help me dream, see, and enjoy. Thank you to all of you! Be with your friends, this week, and enjoy wherever you are on your life’s journey… it is both full of promise and excitement, and also waiting to be simply lived.

My Whole-Life Crisis

The medterms.com definition of mid-life crisis reads: “A period of emotional turmoil… accompanied by a desire for change… brought on by fears and anxieties about growing older.”

Really? Is this something exclusive to mid-life? Do you remember junior high and high school? I remember thinking that something must have been wrong with me, because I never felt settled, or like I fit-in, or like I was as put-together as all of the teens around me appeared to be. In retrospect, I know that every one of us was trying to learn how to become who we wanted to be, as afraid as we were desirous of growing older.  

As an adult in my “middle age,” I don't think this has changed, much. Sometimes, I feel like I still don’t have it quite figured out. I should be more accomplished in my career, or have less debt, or more family. I should have done something, or not done other things. I’m not sure it’s much different than the feelings I had when I was a teen, so I also get discouraged, thinking that I should have resolved this question of, “who am I and what am I supposed to do with my life” sometime before now. This time, though, my age helps me. I have the experience and awareness to be able to look around and realize that I’m not an oddity. In fact, many of my friends, married or not married, with or without children, those with enviable careers and those who live with financial pictures that are bleak at best, express some of the same questions I entertain. It seems that regardless of what we are, have or do, we still long for more.

When I was a teenager, I thought there would come a time when I didn’t long for anything, anymore. A time would come when I would be content, satisfied, and proud of my own achievements. Now that I realize the longing hasn’t subsided, I’m tempted to be discouraged, or to completely change direction in search of some better life plan, except that I know by looking around me and talking to my peers, there are opposite directions and different life plans, but there are no better life plans. We are all left wanting more. Teen or adult, I continue to be in crisis, to want more, to continue longing, to desire change and fear growing older.

I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I think the discontent we feel throughout every stage of our lives is our catalyst to grow, learn and experience more of life than complacency allows. As human beings, I believe we were built to stretch the boundaries of our lives, break the barriers of fear that slow our progress, and celebrate our victories while simultaneously looking for new races to run. The feeling that we still “aren’t quite there, yet” is a result of still being alive, rather than a symptom of failure. Call it teen-angst, or a mid-life crisis, or elderly despair, the result is the same: the growing pains spur us on to become who we have all our lives wanted to be.

As long as I am living, I will want to learn, be, and experience more. In that way, I shall always be in crisis… not entirely content, not entirely accomplished. And I can find joy in that.

Living In Joy Challenge: Take a look at some of the things in your life that make you least content. How have you been handling them? Can you see any of your own growth? Are you able to see how these situations are helping you to discover yourself? The patience in you, or your capacity for forgiveness, for example? Let me know how you’re doing with your whole-life crisis… and I’ll keep writing about mine. J