In the Negative

As some of you know, I used to teach math. I remember how difficult it was to teach students how to add and subtract negative numbers. Ultimately, I think the problem is that negative numbers are not an intuitive concept. (If there is already nothing, how can you take something away?) Yet, so many of us do that very thing in so many aspects of our lives, everyday! If we don’t go above and beyond, if we don’t “give until it hurts,” we do not feel as though we are good friends, spouses, or workers.

Today, I want to give you permission to give only as much as you can give without suffering a loss.

It seems fairly simple, doesn’t it? If you have ten dollars, for example, you can give a family member ten dollars, but you can’t give eleven. If you have two extra hours in your day, you can spend those two helping the church, but you cannot give three. This is not difficult math. It is, however, difficult execution. Adopting the new credo requires several things.

First, it requires that you become very clear about your own assets. How much time do you have that is, as of yet, unclaimed by obligations? How much money is “extra” this week? How much emotional energy do you have, today? Do you choose to spend your emotional assets listening to your girlfriend rehash the same complaints and conversations she’s had for the past year?

Once you’ve defined your assets for the day, you will have to learn to say, “No.” “No, I simply do not have that in my budget.” “No, I can only be here for one hour, not four.” “Yes, I understand that is difficult for you, but we’ve discussed this, before. I only have the energy today to talk about what you would like to do about it?”

One of the most difficult aspects of adopting this new credo is that it requires some of us to adopt a new self-concept. We don't want to appear selfish, or as if we are not putting in our fair share of effort. However, the fact is that we are not as productive as we think we are when we're trying to cram too much into one day. Friendship and love do not require spending ourselves until we are emotionally bankrupt and exhausted. Friends, church, family, work, will all take as much as we will give them. They all rely on us to set your own limits and boundaries. It is not up to them to police those boundaries for us. They do not take advantage of our good nature. We take advantage of ourselves.

In the end, giving until it hurts only hurts. It does not create more productive giving. More productive giving comes from being centered enough, calm enough, and asset rich enough to give with an open, unrushed heart. Be protective of your assets, and manage them with care.    

 Mother Teresa said, “It is not how much we give, but how much love we put in the giving.” And I ask you, how much love can you really put in, if you are giving from less than zero?

Living in Joy Challenge: This week, even if you are not ready to say, “No,” or set new boundaries, at least begin your daily inventory. Today, do you need to find, earn or renew something, before you can give to someone else? Start to identify where and when you are tempted to give something you do not have. And, by all means, start to respect the people in your life who are good at setting boundaries. Ask them how they do it. As always, I’d love to hear what challenges this presents for you. J