Maslow

I’ve been spending a lot of time, over the last year or so, thinking about Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and our societal and personal ills. For those of you who may have forgotten your Psych 101 course, Maslow’s Hierarchy is a life map that acknowledges that certain needs must be met before others can be fulfilled. In order of priority, physical needs must be met first. We need air, water and food, for example, before we need great poetry. The sum of our lives, then, is presumably spent climbing up that pyramid of needs. We seek food, water and air, and once relatively certain that we have those things available, we seek Safety and Security… shelter, job security, etc. The next need we seek to fulfill, after Safety and Security needs are met, is the need for Love and Belonging.

It seems to me that, as a society, living in America, we have physical and safety needs largely met. Although there are exceptions to the rule, we are no longer hunting for food and afraid of starving to death if there is a 45 day drought. We are no longer living in the early industrial age, for example, where even showing up to work posed a serious threat to our safety. As a whole, we are now trying to find our way through the Love and Belonging stage. We want to feel special. We want to feel loved. We want to feel love for those around us. We want to feel as though we belong… to a team, to a family, to a partner. We want to have found our place where we “fit-in.”

Maslow’s theory has some holes in it, and, certainly, there are critics who point-out that we vacillate between stages more than we conquer one and move to the other. That said, if I accept the theory at face value, I can see how a lot of our societal ills are a manifestation of our attempts to conquer this stage. If you think about people who stay in relationships that aren’t healthy, or teens who join gangs, or young people engaging in promiscuous behaviors, for example, you might be able to see how these behaviors are simply ill-fated attempts to feel Love and Belonging. Even our skyrocketing divorce rates can be a reflection of this, as people are leaving relationships or having affairs. No longer are people satisfied, staying in relationships in order to keep bills paid. We need more than safety and security. We need to feel loved, cherished and appreciated.  

My good friend and counselor, Monte King, addressed this in the Living in Joy workshop last month. He talked about how we are going to wells that are just as dry as our own, looking to spouses and lovers who are as stressed as we are, as exhausted as we are, as needy as we are, and hoping that they will fill us up. We are bound to be disappointed. Even when we look to prayer, or meditation, or a power greater than ourselves (I call Him, “God”), we sometimes have difficulty actually feeling loved. We can know we are loved, or believe we are loved, or have faith that we are loved, but actually feeling loved and like we belong is very different. So, what are we to do?

It may disappoint you to know that I don’t have the perfect answer. I do, however, have a theory. I know that when I gossip about others, I start to suspect they are gossiping about me. I know that if I dislike others, I am certain they dislike me. I know that if I am unfaithful or lying, I imagine others are unfaithful and lying to me, as well. If this “Freudian Projection,” as it is called in psychological circles, happens with negative emotions and behaviors, then doesn’t it follow that it would also happen with positive ones? Like love, and feeling like we belong, for example?

Can we, as part of our learning and mastering of the Love and Belonging level of Maslow’s Hierarchy, intentionally find things to love about others and accept others, in order to feel our own sense of Love and Belonging? Can we forgive the times that they do not show us love and acceptance, and just love them, anyway? And can we stop looking for ways and reasons that others do not belong in our circles or at our workplaces or in our families, and start celebrating all of the reasons to accept them, open-armed, and with a loving heart?

It sounds absurdly challenging to me. So, this week, I am going to do two things: First, I am going to go back to the women’s group to which I didn’t feel much like I belonged, and engage myself by making an effort to help everyone else feel welcome. Second, I am going to show love and acceptance to some person I feel “deserves it” least. I am going to have a conversation and actually listen. I am going to smile, and greet them warmly, and I am going to tell them, “Thank you,” for something I might not normally notice.

Want to try it with me? I’d love to hear how it goes for you. J I’ll report back, too. Have a great week!